Let Go & Grab On

Earlier last week, I was the Secret Santa Shopper for the Angel tree at work. While I was trying to make $960 stretch over 24 kids, I started to think about my life and how 2010 had gone. This was not our best year---not by a long shot. Personally, financially, emotionally, maritally (Yes, it's a real word) and relationshipally (No, it's not a real word) things didn't go as---shall we say---smoothly as they have in years past. All I had been thinking about was how I could pull off getting my oldest a Mac laptop. These kids were asking for toothbrushes and socks. And if they splurged on anything---it was Super Hero Underwear and bubble bath. It was heart breaking. And humbling.

I started to think about how we---people in general--- spend our life waiting for things to happen or change and then bitch about the way things are until they do. Some do this more than others, but we are all guilty. We all complain about relationships and friendships and often money. We express our deepest and typically most negative emotions. We are human. We should all be allowed to express "what's on our mind". But, some people take it literally. Or they need a new mind.

Maybe one day I will find myself openly, and repetitively complaining about work, traffic, parking spots or not having enough time. Maybe I will lose my sense of peace and just start bitch slapping 30-something guys that wear shirts with dragons that are 2 sizes too small. Maybe I will complain that people just don't get it! Maybe I will spend my days festering over how another mom let their kid wear shorts to school when it's cold outside. Or be ticked off at how parents could let their kid play a video game that isn't age appropriate. Maybe one day, I will buy everyone a Christmas gift and fill their stockings and bitch about how they didn't buy me anything or fill my stocking. Maybe I'll remind the world about what my parents didn't do for me and how bitter I am. Maybe I'll start saying how much I hate Oprah. Maybe one day I will get tired of just being the peaceful, perceptive person I am and tell everyone how I really feel. Maybe.........

But, the truth is this. Complaining about traffic means you have a car. And I know enough people that don't. They walk to work. Rain or shine. Complaining about work means you have a job. And I know plenty of people without one of those. Complaining about how little time you have JUST TAKES AWAY FROM THE LITTLE TIME YOU HAVE. Manage it better. Simplify. Delete. There's enough time. Really. People have been making it for years. Complaining about the Jersey Shore look alike wearing the too small dragon shirt is just stupid to begin with. But, the irony is you are 30 something wearing jeans with holes in places there shouldn't be and a top that my teenage daughter could wear---which leaves your boobs, muffins and ass crack peaking out. Saying that "People just don't get it" is probably the most truthful thing I hear. They don't. And neither does the person saying it. You forget that you are "people" and you have to include yourself. *IF* you truly got it----you would understand people---and you wouldn't be so frustrated. And when you add kids and the cold weather, it's simple. They deal with the cold better than us adults. I remember my gramma wanting me to put on long underwear and I thought she needed to be baker acted! She was out of her mind if I was wearing anything like that! I will suffer through the cold to look cool. And I survived. And who really cares if someone else's 7 year old is playing Call of Duty? If that mom starts sneaking in your kids window and playing HALO with him, I'll punch her for you. Until then, let it gooooooooo. And buy Christmas gifts for those you want to---not obligated to. Fill the stockings because you want to. Because you feel better when you do. Not because you hope yours will be filled in return. And your parents? Enough. How long are you going to use them as your crutch in life? How much more hate can you harbor against them? Most people that I hear complain turned out pretty good---so thank your parents. Because many of the people that aren't complaining, are STILL being supported by and living with them. How'd ya like that? I didn't think you would. And Oprah! Really? You don't have to like her. But how much hate do you have to have in you that you hate her?! You have to be pretty miserable to hate her, in my opinion. Otherwise, you just wouldn't care. And there is a difference. I hope to always be a peaceful, perceptive person. The alternative doesn't seem like much of a good time to me.

Worry about the things that matter. Your spouse, your kids, your pets (Yes, that's for my peeps that love their pets like they were kids), and your family. Fix the relationships that are broken. There are exceptions, but if you were to really step back and look at it, you played a part. All of this will sound hokey, cliche and trite. But life is too short. There isn't enough time---to nurture what we traditionally abandon---people. And we abandon it so that people who don't matter can see if our floors are mopped and our toilets are scrubbed. Those that matter most and are good for us in our life don't give a rats ass if any of that is done.

So, let go and grab on. Let go of the petty crap that won't matter when you're 80 sitting in a rocking chair. Grab on to those things you will miss most and regret not doing when you get to your rocking chair. I don't have to be 80---none of us have to be 80---to know what we will regret. But, not being 80 tricks us into thinking we have plenty of time. And, since most people complain that they don't, you'd think we'd get to work on that. Then again, people just don't get it. ;')

I hope 2011 brings you---no---I hope you create peace and perspective in 2011.

Be the change you want to see in the world---starting with your world.

That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

Taming the Tantrums

It’s natural to have tantrums; adults have them all the time. We can lose our temper when someone cuts us off in traffic or when our kids don’t listen. Maturing is all about managing our emotions more effectively, and it’s a lifetime project. Tantrums can’t be completely avoided, but we can impact how often and how long they go on by the way we respond to our children’s outbursts.

When we yell or give in, we’re relieving our own distress rather than helping our children develop self-control and will only make things worse.

What to do:

Get yourself to a calm and assertive state: The first order of business is to get yourself under control; get calm, rather than trying to get your child under control. Put the effort there. Take a walk around the house, count to 100, and take your own timeout. Call a friend. Do whatever you can do to get yourself under control, but again, try not to lose your temper. Remember, you’re just trying to be the anchor in the storm that’s calming the system down. If one person in a system can stay relatively calm, that's the best way to quiet any kind of upset or tantrum.

Your child needs to learn how to control emotions, we can’t control them: Remember, you are not responsible for the choices your child makes. Rather, you are responsible for how you choose to handle those choices. Try not to get engaged by your kids' angry outbursts. If it doesn’t capture you, it won’t capture them. Stay focused on staying calm. Do not react by yelling, worrying, hovering or giving in—all typical things that we do as parents. Remember, anxiety is contagious, and so is calm.

Do not give into your child’s request: If you give in to your child's requests when he has an outburst, it will set up a pattern where you create more tantrums. In effect, you’ve taught your child that the best way to get what he wants is to scream, yell and be out of control.

If you’re in public place, you can simply explain that your child is having a hard time, excuse yourself and move out of the situation. Leave the room, go to the car, or go home. Remember, you don’t want to give the tantrum attention, either positively or negatively.

Isolate your child: Put your younger child in his room or in some spot where he can have a timeout or cooling off period and learn how to soothe himself. Make sure you’re not continually engaging him in his tantrum. When the child is calm is when you can discuss what is upsetting them.

Teach your child: Parents are the teachers. Your children can’t handle these strong emotions yet and it’s our job to help them learn how to do that. Remember, they are testing you—and believe it or not, they truly want you to win this particular test. On the surface, your child really wants you to give in, but on another level, he wants to see that there are strong parents in the room. Kids want to know that their parents are sturdy, strong and reliable and are people who mean what they say. They don’t want parents who are going to fall apart. They need us to stay anchored and be the disciplinarian. That is what they NEED.

www.parentingwithangela.com

The Time of my Life

Last Friday night, we attended eye-rolling-whatever-mumbling-compliment-me-and-love-me-only-when-he-wants-something's high school football game. He isn't playing. He was on JV this year but some of the kids he has grown up with moved to varsity. We know many of the parents and had been invited several times. And honestly, I had this nostalgia feeling about a Friday night football game, being a dancerette, performing with the band at halftime, watching everyone decorate themself in school colors in the name of school spirit. So, we went.

Let me tell you---my memories were not far off and the night oddly enough didn't disappoint. Let's bullet point a few things that have not changed.

• The energy. Those kids and families are creating a vibe that can't be reproduced.


• The cheerleaders. Well, this actually may have improved/evolved. I don't recall some of the stunts and gymnastics that I witnessed. It was quite impressive.


• The band. I have to tell you that "our" band: not so good. The guest's band made me want to sneak over to the other side and bust a move. Luckily, there were 200 of them and they made their presence known from across the field. They were incredible and played recognizable music - current and classic.


• The dancerettes. Having fun, laughing and dancing with the band as they dueled each other.


• The crowd. The excitement when your team scores a touchdown. The collective "Whaaaaat?!?!" when a ref makes a perceived bad call. The teenagers in the student section hanging out with their best friends, boyfriends/girlfriends enjoying the game. The couple of kids that choose not to wear shirts but rather paint their bodies in school colors to appear as if the paint is the shirt in the hopes that the news crew will put them on T.V. (which they did).
• The "notice me-er's". The girls or guys who went all out hoping to be noticed by the opposite sex of their choice. You can always tell when 3 girls are walking by, flipping the hair, laughing, briefly looking just to look away......and juuuuuuust when they get passed the person, they pretend they forgot something and they have to walk by again. It screams "Hey! Look at me!" Interesting and funny to watch as an adult knowing what I know now.


• The rebellious girls. The ones that left the house wearing significantly more clothing and drastically less make up.


• The dweller. You know....the former quarterback, homecoming king that sits in the stands with vodka in his water bottle because he hasn't been able to reproduce the feeling he had in high school.

Things that have changed: Pants seem tighter, shorts are shorter, hair is straight, bangs--- if you have them, fall on your forehead---not sticking straight up in the air like antennae, definitely less hair spray and absolutely no aqua net---and a lot of fist pumping. Other than that, seems like old times. LOL

Our team won and is going to the playoffs. Great game, great night. I was reminded of so many good feeling memories---as well as some of the bad. The drama. The "he-said-she-said" game. The break ups. The people who use you. The emotions. The hormones. The struggle between grades and a social life. Fitting in. Finding you. Figuring out who "you" are. Thinking that I just needed to get through this point in time because it would get better when I got out.

I sat there feeling this incessant need to inform all of these future adults to embrace these moments.....to tell them that this is the time of your life. I wanted to tell the former quarterback that life goes on and you can't hold on to what used to be. If you hold on too strong, you'll miss out on what's available to you right now. I wanted to tell the "notice me-er" girl if he doesn't notice you---find someone else who does.

Then, I had a conversation with a guy who "peaked" in high school. He was funny, cute, key player on the football team and really enjoyed high school----I mean really. So much so that he can't enjoy anything that has happened after that because being an adult can't compete. It's a lot easier to be a super star in a building filled with 1,500 people than it is to be noticed in the real world. I was trying (gently) to tell this guy that he has let the past 20 years slip away because he is hung up on high school.

I kid you not, when I have my actual epiphany, there is a sound in my head that sounds like screeching tires. That symbolizes my brain coming to an immediate halt and taking in the new info. So, insert "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" here.

Aren't we all guilty of not embracing the moment? Some are stuck in the past. Coulda, shoulda and woulda are the 3 musketeers following you around. (Well, my 3 musketeers might have also come in the form of a rectangular like gooey substance coated with a semi-hard shell in a pretty silver wrapper---but, hey, we all handle it on our own way. ;) I am guilty of saying things like "If the baby would just crawl, he wouldn't be so frustrated and life would be better" only to say "If he could just walk, things would be easier" followed by "Can you please just sit still" that eventually leads to "I can't wait until all of you are 18 and I can live my life" which regrettably leaves you feeling sad, wishing you could go back and leaving voice messages with things like "Why haven't you called? I miss and love you."

Don't wish your life away hoping to get to the next phase. Don't waste your life away wishing you could go back. Create the now. Enjoy the now. It doesn't matter what it is. Captain of the cheerleading team, quarterback, head of the Science Team, just giving birth to triplets, waking up every 2 hours to feed a newborn, loosing your home, getting a divorce--- This is the time of your life. It's the time of your life to make it the time of your life.

Time can do a lot of things. But it doesn't give back.

Don't be the 30-something that gets stuck in the teen years only to wake up one day 50-something and realize that 30-something could have been pretty damn good if you had actually lived it.

That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

Hokey Pokey: Whole Self In

I loooooooove me some Oprah. She's not always right, but her message is always empowering and insightful. (The interview with Jane Fonda--which is where this is stemming from--was no exception.) I do believe you have to be on a specific path in your life journey to appreciate her. When you're feeling down and out, it's easier to "shut down" than it is to "show up". And when you are shut down, it's nearly impossible to hear some of the positive things people are saying. It's easier to dismiss them and think "Well, they just have something to be happy about." But, is that the truth? Do they just make the best out of everything? Do they cope better? And doesn't everyone have something to be happy about?

Grab your coffee and try to follow my wandering mind.....

We all have issues with our life. Issues with our past, our childhood, our past or current marriages. We have strong emotions, some include hatred, for those that hurt us or those we feel didn't love us. As an adult, we place blame on friends, boyfriends and spouses for their roles in our life. Things begin to fester. They manifest into demons that really aren't deserving of a place in your mind, heart and body.

Your parents likely suffered some event(s) that made them not as good to you as they could have been. Maybe they lived with an alcoholic. Maybe they were abused. And that includes physically, emotionally and sexually. Maybe you weren't as easy to deal with as you recall. Maybe you weren't giving the same respect to your friends, boyfriend or spouse that you demanded. Sometimes---well, almost always, because it is human nature---people perpetuate the same cycle because that's all they know. You saw your father emotionally abandon your mom and maybe you subconsciously treat those you love that way. In actuality, it is the easy way because relationships are work. And when you are in pain, even the slightest amount of work seems like a hurdle that is insurmountable.

You have a choice. You can be the same parent, friend and spouse that you had and complain about. Or you can let go, become self aware and really look at your path and determine where you want to end up. Acknowledge who you are. Embrace that person. You shouldn't live in fear that people may figure out you are a fraud. There are certain topics that are difficult for some people to talk about. But, the truth is, it's more common than people let on. If people would speak up and own it, it wouldn't be such a big deal. Instead, we let it embarass us. How long are we going to let other people dictate where we should be in life, what we say & think, what car we drive and how we decorate our house? How long are we going to allow ourselves to make the same mistakes with out loved ones as the very ones we complain about?

You don't have to share your inner most thoughts, feelings and struggles. Although I believe there is something freeing about being able to do that. But it does mean living genuine. Be who you really are. Not who you think people will like you for. After all, you want people to be genuine with you?

And if you really think about it, people are magnets. We attract what we give. If people are genuinely happy, how much time will they spend with a negative person? Even if they are trying to help them, how much of themself will they invest before throwing in the towel? So, if you feel like everyone around you is causing you trouble, maybe it's not their fault. Maybe it's yours for accepting it into your life and allowing it to continue.

To clarify, "getting it" doesn't mean suppressing it. Nor does it mean not caring. It means knowing enough about yourself and life to understand that a happy life stems from the same pain as a negative one. It's up to you as to how you choose to deal with disappointment, choices and consequences. Every corny and cliche quote exists for a reason---they are true.

So forgive. Forget. Break the cycles. Let go of hate. Forgiveness is not intended to give the person who hurt you peace. It's so that person can stop robbing you of yours.

Laugh more. Try to enjoy more. It's practically impossible to enjoy anything when you walk around saying that you hate it all of the time. Think happier thoughts. Focus on the positive. Yell less. Grab onto life. Show up. Stop standing in the corner and come to the table. And bring your whole self. Start loving. Start living. The only other option is to start dying. And that just isn't an option for me. And it shouldn't be for you either.

Maybe the hokey pokey is what life is all about. But, maybe the human race needs to realize not to wait until the end to put your whole self in. Start now. Go ahead---shake it all about.

That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

The List

Ah, yes. The List. We all know about The List. But who knows what to put on it? We know there are plenty of obligatory tasks. Grocery shop, scrub the toilet (Ok. I've been to a few houses where this may be optional), help with homework, etc. Then there are those items that are dependent upon the kind of person you are. Are you a tough love kind of person or a nurturer? I'm the latter. I am the mom who gets a text from the heartbroken daughter begging to be picked up from 4th period because her boyfriend broke up with her---and go get her. I drop everything for the friend that found out her husband was cheating and just moved out. I am the one that people close to me count on.

Good or bad, I don't mind too terribly to be this person. It really is who I am and I love being able to be "me". The problem is this: If you are not on my list, you don't get taken care of. The list is not hanging on the fridge. It's not even written down. It's mental.

As my kids have gotten older, it's more difficult to entice them to hang with grandma or nana. So, our date nights have dwindled. (Yes, I make them go. But when they were little, they wanted to live there! It was just easier to do a drop off and sneak out.) The kids are so involved in sports that much of our time is consumed by their activities. Even though I tried to focus on "us" and our marriage, I've known I don't do as well as I used to. Having said that, I've always taken great pride that I don't s"mother" MacGyver . I don't tell him when to change his toothbrush, how to cut his hair or what to wear. I didn't even put my foot down when he wanted a motorcycle. I never saw him as being in need of the attention that I gave others. And even though I didn't love him any less, he viewed that attention for others as love. He viewed the lack of attention as a loss of love. He is a grown man---a strong, intelligent and indepedent man---and I have enough kids. I considered him my equal.

Breaking News: Men neeeeeeeeeeeeeed to feel needed and loved. And my generation of women have transitioned from June Cleaver into this Powerhouse Superwoman. We do so much. We work in or out of the home. Some of us do both. We mow the yard. We take the cars for oil changes. We plan meals and buy the groceries. We clean the house. We know what is going on with the kids and their schedules. We know what toothpaste to buy so that the kids don't gag in the morning. I think the guys are starting to feel like we don't neeeeeeeeeeed them---just their paycheck. I didn't think of MacGyver needing me to console him, check in on him, say "I love you" (and I mean times other than before we hang up on the phone) and mean it. He needs a little back rub after a bad day at work. He needs to he cuddled up with me watching T.V. in bed. He needs to know what toothpaste to buy so that the kids don't gag in the morning. ;')

I've always had my marriage, my kids and my house on The List. Thanks to Oprah, I even gave myself prime real estate on The List. But, I don't think I actually ever put MacGyver on The List. And now I see that there is a difference between having just "us" on the list and having "us" and "him".

Simplify your list. Focus on what and who is really important. Make sure those you love KNOW they are loved. And that means not just expressing it the way you do. You have to express it in such a way that they receive it the way it was intended---not the way they interpret it. Marinate on that for a while........

I have many epiphanies. This time, I realized that all of us moms want to be appreciated for all that we do. We have taken on so much that we don't make the time for our spouse. But maybe, just maybe, it is our spouse that is sitting just outside the circle and wishing to be a part of it without being yelled at for buying the wrong toothpaste. Maybe if they felt needed and loved, they would be the spouse that you want them to be. Wouldn't that be something? The very response you are giving because you are upset with your workload is what is preventing you from having the spouse you want? Talk about counterproductive.

Just add them to the list and see what happens. You might be pleasantly surprised with the results. ;')


That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

Let's get ready to ruuuuuuuuumble!

In this corner, weighing in at (unintelligible) pounds, the loving, nurturing, compassionate June Cleaver. And in this corner, weighing in at (unintelligible) pounds, the oblivious, selfish, neglectful Peg Bundy!

Having 3 kids, being a wife and maintaining the home - and everything that transpires in it- makes it a flip of the coin as to which mom my kids get. Of course, they prefer the adoring June Cleaver. But, by now, they are very aware of a few of the well known triggers. (Aware does not necessarily mean able to avoid.) Let’s further examine what wakes up Peg Bundy.

- Talking to me while American Idol is on (I didn't say these would be good reasons. I just said it wakes Peg up.)
- Also, Grey’s Anatomy (Lord help them if McSteamy is in the shower and they say “Mom” – the moment is ruined. LOL)
- The entire ABC Wednesday night TV line up
- Bringing me a form to sign at 9:01 pm (The rule is nothing after 9:00)
- Giving me a form to sign as I am driving them to school
- Asking for field trip money/permission slip the day it’s due
- Waiting until after 9 to attempt to wash something they want to wear the next day (Guess who they want to put it in the dryer?)
- When they fight with each other
- Saying “I love you, Mommay (yes, it sounds like Mom-may in their sneaky, loving voice.) This is a dead give away because it alerts me that after Mom, is “May I”. So I guess “MomMay” is appropriate. Great substitutes would be “MomCan” and “MomWill”. I hold out hope for “MomPlease”.
- A phone call from a teacher, ISS (In School Suspension), Bus referral. (These events actually metamorhpasize Peg into the Greek Monster, Medusa.)


All is not lost. June Cleaver still makes guest appearances. Lately, she has been getting her beauty rest, but she's around. And what brings out June?

- When they are sick
- When they get good grades on a test & their report cards
- When I see a hint (even if it a slight nano spec) of kindness for their siblings
- When one of them asks me if they can give their money to a homeless person on the corner or any person in need
- When I come home and chores are done and I never even had to ask
- When they do something I asked after the first request. Hell, on the 3rd request is still appreciated. ;)
- When a friendship or a relationship has ended and they are emotionally distraught (Although, this may or may not be permanent. Sometimes I’m still pep talking them and they have already texted the person involved and all is well again)
- When they hug me and say “I love you, Mommy” and don’t ask me for anything.
(Not to be confused with Mommay. All kidding aside, there is a distinct difference. I’ll video tape it one day and post it.)
- When they repeat a quote I once said to them because they applied it to life. It reminds me that not only do they listen, but that they “get it”!
- When they have friends over and tell them that I make the best “whatever”. It makes me want to cook/bake. (At some point between the smile with pride and the putting the ingredients on the counter, Peg usually interrupts and we end up at Cold Stone or Marble Slab. Hmmm…maybe the kids know this and set me up.)

I love both "moms" in me. June adores her kids, wants them to be successful, happy, loving, compassionate people. But, Peg is teaching them that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. Peg gets to have lunch with friends, get a pedicure or manicure, go on date night with hubby, or just have quiet & alone time.

The middle schoolers are keeping Peg busy lately. They have even brought Medusa out to play a few times. But, June is holding her own. Most days, June sneaks up behind Peg and chokes her out with her apron strap. Today on the other hand, June is face down in the dirt while Peg is standing tall above her, lightly digging her stiletto heel into her back. I am not sure when Peg will get a good nights sleep, but she is strong. She can stand her ground--- and on June’s back---until these kids get it together.

I just heard a door slam, a kid cry and a cell phone ring tone (a cell phone that should be OFF). After just one round, the clear winner – and ultimate champion until these kids get back in line – Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg Bundy!

Enjoy this article while it’s up. Michael Buffer is pretty serious about his trademark “Let’s get ready to rumble” being used. His lawyer may send me a cease and desist letter any day now. LOL

(I wrote this several months ago. Barbara Billingsley, the actress who played June Cleaver, just passed away this weekend. I thought it was an appropriate time to post it from my personal blog.)

A personal letter

My Dearest Friend,


I hope this letter finds you well, but missing me. We have had an unbreakable bond for almost your entire life and you just discarded me like I mean nothing to you. That hurts me because of the unconditional support I have given you throughout our relationship. I have been there for you. We’ve shared your good times and bad. Growing up, when the fights were so devastating, who did you turn to? When you struggled with boys breaking your heart, who was there? Who was there when the kids were babies and you were tired or they didn't stop crying? Who attended every single birthday and holiday party? Who always instantaneously made you feel good and loved?

You used to depend on me daily for strength and consolation and now it appears as though you are trying to find it from within. I know you. Better than you know yourself. You put on a good show for all of your friends and family---and you may even have them believing that you are ok inside---but I know better. I know that you miss me. I know you think of me. I know that at any given second, I'm a fingertip away from being back in your life. You can't make it without me. Not forever. It won't be long until we have our bond back. You need me. And the hold our relationship has on you reminds me that you will struggle everyday that I'm not back in your life.

I will always be there for you. I'm the one who will celebrate your successes and achievements when others are jealous or feel insecure. I’ll soothe and comfort you when you experience times that are difficult when others can't be bothered in your time of need. No matter the occasion, I'm the one that will always be available. No matter the reason. No matter the time. No matter the place.

You're a strong woman. But, you have your weaknesses. I know your wall is breaking. You've reached out a few times only to withdraw again. You're getting weak. You’re tempted to allow me back in. Until you finally breakdown and show just how much you need and love me, I will be sitting here--a fingertip away--patiently waiting for you.

Without any notice--or hesitation--we can pick back up right where we left off. No ill feelings on my end.

All my love,

Food

***For those who don't know me, I have struggled with weight my entire adult life. I am on the right path, but it is still a struggle. From time to time, there will be posts about the emotions of weight loss, the hurdles and the lessons.

A letter to myself at 17

Everyone is writing these letters to their younger self and I just can’t resist. What would I say to the younger me with this abundance of knowledge I have now? Oh, if this were truly possible, I would do a back flip. (Ok, so I only say that because I know it can’t be done. Ironically, neither can my back flip.)

Dear 17 year old supercilious, invincible, unyielding teenager,

There you are. Crying. Over a boy. Your friends are gathered around the lunch table with those rubber rectangles covered in spaghetti sauce and sprinkled with cheese that the school calls pizza. Consoling you on the recent death of prom victim #42. (Really, you could have at least attempted to stick with a date selection for longer than a week.) You are searching for that relationship - the one that family is supposed to give you unconditionally. Stop looking. You won’t find it there in high school. And truth be told, you aren’t ready for friendships, much less a serious boyfriend.

Don’t pour everything into the ones that you call your “Best Friends” because they won’t be there in your 30’s. Pay close attention to those that you enjoy and laugh with, but for some reason never titled them “Best Friend”. That girl in Anatomy, the one who makes you laugh uncontrollably about the oddest things – and the one who gets and adores your innuendos – cherish her. She will be there for you in ways no one else will be. Also, pay attention to the one that is close friends with your best friend. I know you think she doesn’t like you, but she doesn’t know you. And you 2 will have so much in common. You’re both funny and you both love to write. She will help inspire you and one day, remind you that you used to be a writer, long after you tucked that talent away. It will be because of her that you end up persuing a writing gig---and get it. Remember all of the people that had an impact on you. Good and bad. Because, in 15 years, there will be this addictive thing called the internet with websites full of information. These will get you in touch with all of these people. And to your surprise, many of the people you weren’t close with will become a part of your daily life. (Whatever you do, do NOT activate that website on your cell phone. And yes, you will have a cell phone, but it will fit in your pocket.)

Try to stay focused. You are so intelligent and oozing potential. But, all you seem to be oozing is drool over the opposite sex. I promise you, when you least expect it, the perfect match will come along and you will know it. He will be the first one to treat you the way you should be treated. He will put you first. That’s how you’ll know. Your family will think you are too young and it’s too soon. But, stay strong and prove them wrong. Fight for it - and fight until it gets better. It's worth it - I promise.

Be you. You are trying to fit in with everyone. Just find the handful that you have a strong connection with---that like you for you---and let go. Be comfortable with who you are. I know you think you are fat. Trust me. 17 years from now you will beg to look like that again.

Regarding that “perfect match”, listen more. You don’t know everything. Focus on the good qualities he has. No one is perfect and if you always point out the flaws, that’s all you will see. And living with you is certainly no cakewalk – it’s not even a piece of cake. (Speaking of a piece of cake, do not run to one just because you have a bad day. Just pacify me on this, por favor? You're on your 4th year of spanish - I can slip that in there. Gracias.) Be aware of your tone and the verbal & physical responses from those around you. Be self aware. Have respect. And that means being attentive to his needs even though you don't need it. It means valuing his opinion even though you don't agree. Your marriage will be successful no matter what, but I assure you, if you shut your yapper for a few minutes, you can get to living your amazing life with him sooner.

When you meet your future sister-in-law, be nice to her. It’s going to be contentious for a few years, but give it time. You guys are going to have these insatiable 2 hour phone conversations where you say you have to go 20 times, yet you both keep talking. Your children will go unfed because you 2 can’t hang up. You will allow them to all but set the house on fire so you can get your over-analytical fix. (Don’t yell at the kids for the mess they made when you hang up. You were on the phone and they were just staying occupied. It's a small price to pay.) It will be a precious relationship and it will surprise you both.

I would also tell you not to judge. But, you’ll just judge me. Thankfully, all of the judging you do will get you to this point where you incessantly and obnoxiously see both points of view. It will feel like a curse sometimes, but you have no idea how fortunate you are to have it. Embrace it.

And, also, even though you won’t believe me, that girl from 6th grade that you had that hate/hate relationship with, you will find her and she will become instrumental to your life in your 30’s. Apologize to her for what you did to her hair in 7th grade and love her. She was as jealous of you as you were of her.

You are going to lead a charmed and brilliant life. But, it won’t come to you until you let go of your envy of others. People will pick up on your emotions and jabs and it will ruin many relationships. If you find you can’t contain yourself, it’s ok. You will have many epiphanies that will flood your mind and heart at 28. And that's just the beginning. The people who are meant to be in your life, will accept your apology and appreciate you more for who you have become.

Don’t be so hard on your mom. She did the best with what she had. Stop thinking that she woke up every day saying “Let’s see how bad I can f#*% up Heather’s life today!” She thought she was doing the right thing at the time. And I know you’ll believe this because you tell yourself every day – She will fuel you to be a better mom and wife. She will essentially be the sole source for how you raise your kids. (And let me tell you – they are flipping fantastic kids! They will make you proud to be their mother.) Don’t penalize her for long. You will find a plethora of inner peace when you come to terms with this.

You are an emotional one. And, I’m not going to tell you to be otherwise. Eventually, it will manifest into one of your greatest attributes. But, do control it. People will see it as a weakness. Don't let that bother you. Some people are incapable of exposing themselves. Be open and be you - and somehow, people will accept it more from you because they sense your genuineness. Don’t get angry over frivolous stuff. If the line in the grocery store is long, read that magazine that you know you want - but won’t pay $4.99 for it. If it rains on the day of your event, make it the best damn event that ever took place in the rain. If something isn’t going as planned – somehow make the best of it. Laugh more. That's free medicine.

Stop planning. Stop expecting. Set long term goals, lord knows you need them. But, get through every day with a little bit of whimsicality. While you're at it, embrace that part of you. It's who you are. You are unconventional. The sooner you stop fighting it, the better off you'll be.

At 23, you'll buy your first house. Please walk 3 doors down and take some cookies. If you don't do this, it will take you 10 years to figure out that someone who you will bond with instantly lives there. (Yes, you can buy the cookies - I know you can't bake.)

Take a cooking class. Enough said.

Most important, never regret anything. Your parents being the way they were pushes you to move out and you meet your best friend and partner for life. Give them a hug, will ya?! Everything will shape you into someone you love by the time you get to your 30's. I know that seems like it’s far into the future, but it’s not.

And, lastly, it would be spectacularly wonderful if you could get yourself conditioned to a good exercise regimen. I will hate you less.....ahem....I mean.....You and I will get along better at 34 if you could do this one thing for me. Everything else is negotiable.

Enjoy every moment – even the bad ones. There’s a reason you are going through it. Having said that, on June 4th, 1992 – please say no. In fact, go away for the weekend. Nothing good will come from anything that happens as a result of that day. Once again, if you can’t resist, you will still turn out just fine. I’m just trying to save you a year of punishment and 2 years of heartache.

What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. By 34, you’ll be able to move Earth next to Pluto. Which, FYI, is no longer a planet.

Oh, and on April 8, 2003, don't wait to pay the car payment. It would be in your best interest to pay it that day. If you choose to ignore this precious tidbit of information, please take all of your valuables and personal belongings out of the car before going to bed that night. And brace yourself for your husband's reaction on April 9th at approximately 2:17 am.

Live. Love. Laugh. It's your life and you only get one. And it's all completely worth it.

See you in 17 years…….

Much love and admiration for you and what lies ahead,

Humbled – but still invincible & unyielding 34 year old you



PS- Stop reading and get your ass to the gym! Go – NOW!!

That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

Yo Gabba Gabba Dancey Dance Off

Video tape your child dancing and post it on www.facebook.com/tampabayparentingmagazine and be entered to win tickets to Yo Gabba Gabba and the chance to meet the cast!

Yo Gabba Gabba Live is at the St. Pete Times Forum on October 30th at 2pm & 5pm!

Please keep the videos to less than 60 seconds. Videos must be posted by October 20th to be entered to win. Winners will be announced by October 25th.

Our Cover Kid Search ends October 15th so hurry and enter before then at www.tbparenting.com

Married to MacGyver

When I was given the opportunity to take this blogging gig a little more public, the family had some rules. I can't use their real names and there were certain topics off limits. Understood. I came up with a nickname for hubs--and it's totally appropriate. I married MacGyver. We joke that he could take gum and a paperclip and fix anything. This story actually happened in 2008 but it's a good way to introduce MacGyver. (If you've followed my personal blog for the past year or 2, you'll remember this.)

Since April 1995, a service repair technician has never entered our residence. Since that time frame is essentially my entire adult life, I don't think I was always aware of the oddity of it. Things are always breaking. The car, the plumbing, appliances, a piece of jewelry. It's life. But, MacGyver inherited this gene from his father. It is called the "I'm not too proud to pay someone to fix it, but I am too proud to admit that I couldn't fix it" gene.

I remember wanting a new stove. And it FINALLY stopped working! I was doing the "I get to make a big purchase" dance. But there he stood.....stopping me. Calming me down with the "I've got this" look. After making a few phone calls, he said "Hon, it is just the heating element. Go pick one up." Sixteen measly dollars and a gold mine gene pool discarded my dreams of getting the new "boil water in 60 seconds" stove. So, there are drawbacks. But there is money saved. And then---then there are just plain old Jeff Foxworthy moments.

Friday night we smelled fire. We figured out it was coming from the dryer. (Seriously, I have wanted a new washer and dryer since seeing an episode of Extreme home makeover...so my feet are starting to do the dance. Surely MacGyver can't repair it after a fire??!!) He spends some time with his BFF, Google, and finds out what is wrong with it. He then proceeds to inform me that he found the parts online for like $13. UGH! But, they won't be here until Wednesday. We have 3 kids and I'll be inundated with laundry if I wait 5 days. (I was being dramatic. Over selling it. Unfortunately, I can rarely get MacGyver to buy what I'm selling---especially when it comes to me getting a break on house work.) I tell him I need a dryer ASAP! We just can't wait. (At this point, I am still just hoping for the shopping approval.) He gives a blank stare......................still staring......................and BAM! He takes off. This is the moment even my feet start to sense the shopping dance should come to an end.

He is in the garage cutting one of those mini sized skate boards. I used to laugh at him, but not anymore. I learned long ago (probably 1998) that everything can be repaired. The dryer bearings went bad and the drum could no longer turn. It didn't have any support. HE PLACED THE FLIPPIN' SKATEBOARD UNDER THE DRUM TO SUPPORT IT!!!!! So, now, not only does it work, it supports a heavier load! LMAO I still want a new washer & dryer.

I can hear Jeff Foxworthy saying it now. "If yeeeeew have yer dryer rigged with a skateboard.......you miiiiiiiiiight be a redneck." Don't get me wrong. I completely adore MacGyver. But, momma would really like to go into Sears and actually buy the appliance. Not the wrench to fix the old one. I also know that we save enough money to make it worth it. And that's a good thing. Especially when we have to run out and replace the kids skateboards. ;)

That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

For your entertainment, and for those that may think I just have a wild imagination, I am adding a picture of my new GE Profile Tony Hawk edition dryer. ;)

http://community.icontact.com/p/tampabayparenting/newsletters/ardolino/posts/upcoming-events

Diapers, Formula & Terrible Twos

I remember being pregnant with my first born in 1995. I was a naïve, know it all 18 year old with the personality of chicken little. If anyone said anything to me, not only must it be true---it could’ve been the end of the world as I knew it. There were several things I kept hearing repetitively.

1. The cost of diapers & formula was going to deplete my savings. (At 18, I think I had a whopping $2.38 in there anyway.)
2. Selecting which diapers and formula to use was going make me insane.
3. The terrible twos would ultimately be the death of me.

How could all of these seemingly pleasant women be so jaded by motherhood? What happened to them to make them not appreciate their rambunctious, disagreeable, perpetually crying children? (That’s how I saw them at 18. Remember before you had kids? Your kids were not going to do ANY of that stuff?) Fast forward 15 years later. I think I have come to the conclusion that those women didn’t have teenagers. They must have been directly in the middle of the toddler whirlwind and had not a clue of what was to come.

I have 3 kids. B is in High School, K is in Middle and Zippy is in Elementary. Talk about perspective. I remember thinking that removing an entire tube of Desitin from the carpet was the most difficult thing I’d ever have to do. Now, I have B asking if he can ride in a car with a 16 year old. (I’m grateful that he understands when I tell him “No”, but I’m aware that a “Yes” is not too far in the future.) He tells me how many times he has been offered drugs and that he has declined every time. (I am also grateful that he willingly agrees to be randomly drug tested. Not that it matters. I would do it anyway.) My middle school child, K, shares a plethora of information about the activities of kids her age. (It’s hard to hear some of it, but I would rather be in the know. I don’t want to be the parent that’s in a bubble thinking their kid would never do such a thing.) The closer it gets to the weekend, the more they love me. I get the hugs, compliments and last minute attempts at chores so they can withdraw money from the mother of all ATM’s. They turn the charm on pretty heavy. "Mom, what did you do to your hair to make it look sooooooo amazing?" "Have you lost more weight since last weigh in? You are looking skin-nay!" Sadly, it works. Football games, skating, clothes, money for food, money to shop. If you survived the cost of diapers, the field trips alone will give you a heart attack. It used to be a $12 afternoon trip to an IMAX 3D movie. Now it’s $70 for a full day of Epcot or Sea World. (And that doesn’t include a $20 light saber that they can taunt their younger sibling with and constantly remind them that their field trips are lame.)

I had friends, family and complete strangers sharing garbage bags full of baby & toddler clothes, leftover diapers that were too small and toys that were no longer played with. No one is sending me bags full of Abercrombie Jeans, Hollister shirts and a deposit on a $400 class ring. (Some of you will interpret that as my expectation. Not so. It’s just a comparison of the different times in life.)

Don’t mistake this for complaining. This is more of a realization. It's also to share information with people that are just starting out. (I don't know if they'll listen. I'm not sure I would have listened. But at least you can't say that no one ever told you.) There are many good things that come out of having a teenager. In fact, I prefer this part of motherhood more than I did the younger years. (And it wasn’t because of diapers and formula. The Desitin incident---maybe.) These are the years where I feel our relationship is more of a choice on their part. And to have them still wanting to associate with me is a tremendous win. I can instantly see whether or not everything we tried to instill in them actually sank in. I am watching these former little people grow into early adults. Like it or not, once they hit High School, your job is almost done. Sure, you still need to supervise and keep things in line. But, this is the time that they start putting what you taught them into practice. This is the time you start doing more listening than talking. You also start perfecting your skills as a private detective.

Regardless of what age your kids are, enjoy it. It sounds cliché, but it’s true. Each phase brings new problems. Don’t stress about the house being dirty. Don’t fret over the stain on the new outfit. Let the toy stay buried at the bottom of the toy box even though it has a perfect spot on the shelf. This is the time to be building that foundation and giving your kids what they need to thrive and succeed later---when they won’t listen to you. But, if you’ve done your job, they’ll still hear you. You'll be that voice talking to them.

Whether you are in the diapers & formula phase, or the drivers license & dating phase, you’ll get through it. It's not easy. You only get one chance though. And it truly is as much of a learning experience for you as it is for them.

That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

Why Does She Work Out? She's skinny!

I know you don't get the title. But I know it sucked you in! And you'll learn how I work--I will tie it in by the end!

I ran into someone recently. I had not physically seen this person in a long time. We are "friends" on Facebook. We chatted a little and when I asked how she was doing, she said "Not as good as you, but I am holding my own." Whoah! Beep! Beep! Beep! Back up! I asked her "Why on earth would you say THAT?" She proceeded to tell me how it appears as if my life is all together. Her tone was as if she were standing outside my porch and looking into this whirlwind tunnel of bliss that is feeding me happiness through an IV. Beep! Beep! Beep! Let's back up again. Back up to earlier this morning when I was fumbling through several pairs of shorts on the floor, trying to find the least dirty ones because I have been too busy to do laundry. I put my hair up in a pony tail (because I have to...you know...that too many days without washing thing again) and start to think. Slowly, those negative things start lining up, single file, beginning to march in like a row of ants.

The screen on the porch is ripped again from Baby (my Jack Russell Terrier) trying to eat a cat that intentionally inflicts pain on my dogs by sunbathing on the swing set directly outside the patio.

The roof has a slight, but existent leak.

My car is now a 1999 Ford Conversion van that I LUH-VED when I got it because I was only 23 and I thought it was cool. Now, being 34, I feel too close to the time in my life when I should be driving a vehicle like that and I'm not that fond of it.

The insurance company sent a letter telling us basically to remove ALL branches from over our house or we will be cancelled. If you have been to my house, you know this means that essentially the whole tree must be cut down. I love this tree! I dread pollen season because the algae decides to take residence of my entire driveway and walkway. This leads to me almost busting my arse on a regular basis. However, it's a small price to pay for having a ridiculously low electric bill.

I started to think about how I painted the kitchen a gorgeous yellow, with a faux finish like Olive Garden. Sounds great, right? Well, we started remodeling 2 (That's TWO) years ago. I got tired of it looking like that...got tired of wishing Ty Pennington was going to come here and do...............the kitchen. I was ONLY going to say the KITCHEN! Focus, people, focus! Well, I painted over the drywall mud. Yep. One wall looks like a Mexican cantina with plaster & paint. But you know what? It looks better than it did and I actually have considered slathering some plaster on the other walls and painting it. I kinda like it!

Anyway, these thoughts started to come faster and faster and began to multiply. I had to shut it off. It's a choice, and it is a gift to be able to do so. I know this.

Fast forward to this woman telling me all of this. I started to consider that maybe I post too much happy. Too much positive. Too much kumbaya. I didn't specifically combat anything she said to me. I just told her things are never as they appear. (If I had a nickel for every time I said that, I could buy Donald Trump.) But, when I left her, I really started to concentrate on my impact on other people. I decided I wanted to clarify something. I thought of an analogy. You'll also learn how much I love a good analogy, people! :)

Do you ever see someone in really good shape exercising? Someone with a great body running or working out? Are you guilty of saying "Why does SHE work out? She looks great?!!" Have you ever stopped to think that it is BECAUSE she works out that she is skinny? I used to sit on the couch, with my bucket o' ice cream and a spoon and say those things about people working out. THAT'S how it works. Those that NEED to lose weight, can't get to where we need to be. We just envy those that do and wonder why they work so hard at it! It's work! It's effort! It's a choice! Those that read my positive message and happy blurbs might think "What is there to be so happy about?" or "I want to have what she has.....she seems so happy." I think everyone should know that my positive energy and my happy thoughts are MY WORKOUT. If I didn't do that, I would sulk in misery. I would be reminded of the roof, the car, the screen porch......my dirty laundry piling up. (Ok, maybe I NEED a reminder for that!) There will always be a to-do or a to-fix list. Being bummed out won't change that. There really is more to be happy about than there is to be sad about. The problem is it is easier to dwell on the sad things. And they cause more trouble. It's a cycle. You just have to drown them with happiness. My thoughts are work. They are effort. It's my choice. What's yours?

That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

A Conversation Gone Bad

I never know where a question will lead or how bad it will end. And this conversation was no exception.

M: is me, Z: is Zippy.


Z: "When do you die?"
M: "When you get old." (Where is this going?)
Z: "How old? Old OLD or just old?"
M: "Really old." (Wanting this conversation to be over, but knowing it has just begun!)
Z: "Like when your skin looks like mine after playing in the bathtub for a long time?"
M: "Yes."
Z: "Am I going to die?"
M: (ARGH!) "Yes, a long, long, long time from now."
Z: "What if we have an accident in the car."
M: "I'm very careful."
Z: "Even while you are typing on the phone and driving?"
M: (Crap! I really have to stop doing that. I'm signing Oprah's No Phone Zone pledge.) "That's bad. Mommy won't do that anymore."
Z: "Good. Because if you do, we could die and our skin won't be old."
M: (Is this over yet?)
Z: "But wait. If everyone dies when they get old, I am the youngest one in the house. I am going to be here all alone." (He is now crying.)
M: (I hug him.) "You know how daddy and I are married and have kids? We have our own house and family. When gramma dies (Yes, I see the error now, thank you.) I wont be home alone. I am here with you. See. You will have your own family."
Z: "Gramma is going to die!? Oh nooooooooo!" (Sobbing uncontrollably)
M: "Sweetie, you don't have to worry about this. Nothing is going to happen."
Z: "Ok. But I don't want to die alone. I want to have a dog."
M: (What the ……..?) "Ok. Get a dog."
Z: "Ok, I will!" (He said this very calm and serious.)

Long pause. I can see the thought coming……………….and here it goes.

Z: "OH NOOOOOOO! (crying again.) "I wont have a car and I will be all alone and I don't know where PetCo is! I won't be able to get a dog!"
M: (I'm thinking…..knowing he loves French Toast Sticks.) Hey, I got French Toast at the store yesterday.
Z: "YOU DID? YAY!"


It's finally over! That wiped me out. I can have just about any conversation with any of the kids. But, conversations about death when they are young inevitably require me to emotionally scar my kid or lie. I opt for the lie. Maybe I do it more for myself. Either way, I was just glad french toast came to my rescue.

That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

The baby of the family

I have been told for years that the "baby" of the family is the baby whether they are 6 months old or 18. In my experience, this meant that the baby got away with more than the other kids. I was pretty adamant early on that the baby of our family would be treated no differently. (Kind of just like I said that my 2 year old would not throw any temper tantrums & my teens won't ever roll their eyes.) When you have more than one child, you know how different they can be. Each personality has their own spark. My baby of the family, "Zippy", is 7. He is the smooth talking charmer with dimples. He is also my logical thinker. He can make me angry, laugh & cry at the same time.

He was in the backyard playing on the trampoline. It gets very dirty so I am always loudly explaining (True meaning: Yelling. Don't judge.) that he shouldn't wear his socks. I also loudly explain that he has to wash off before sitting on the furniture. (I am no cleaning fanatic, but this kid could make mud out of sand and water.) When I looked outside, I saw my new sweeper vacuum sitting in the dirt. Without hesitation, I begin yel---ahem, loudly explaining to him he can't bring that outside. He looks at me, tilts his head and gives me the 'I-know-you-are-mad-at-me-but-I-am-your-baby-and-I-make-you-angry-laugh-and-cry-at-the-same-time-and-you-love-how-adorable-I-am' smile. He says, in his best smooth talking, logical thinking voice "Well, you told me that the trampoline is always dirty so I get too dirty while playing on it. You clean the floor when it gets dirty, right? I thought that if I vacuumed the trampoline, it would stay clean and I would not have to take a bath. (Why is bath water like kryptonite to some kids? You'd think the bath tub was going to taser him.) And you would be happy that I cleaned something for you." Seriously? I would be thrilled if he would flush the toilet. I might spontaneously combust if he picked up the cheetos in between the couch cushions. I want to be mad. Very mad. But after all, he is my baby that makes me angry, laugh and cry all at the same time and I love how adorable he is. All of my toddlers had temper tantrums, my tween and teen roll their eyes, and my baby is the baby. So much for breaking cycles. ;)

But, when I compare a vacuum and a little dirt to the scenarios the middle schooler & high schooler bring to me, I realize I can relax. I've learned to choose my battles wisely. Everything is relative. And he was trying to help......sorta.

That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

Parents in Action: Tips to help kids deal with stress in the classroom

Parents in Action: Tips to help kids deal with stress in the classroom

Angela Ardolino Debuts on Parents in Action

Angela Ardolino Debuts on Parents in Action