Dear 17 year old supercilious, invincible, unyielding teenager,
There you are. Crying. Over a boy. Your friends are gathered around the lunch table with those rubber rectangles covered in spaghetti sauce and sprinkled with cheese that the school calls pizza. Consoling you on the recent death of prom victim #42. (Really, you could have at least attempted to stick with a date selection for longer than a week.) You are searching for that relationship - the one that family is supposed to give you unconditionally. Stop looking. You won’t find it there in high school. And truth be told, you aren’t ready for friendships, much less a serious boyfriend.
Don’t pour everything into the ones that you call your “Best Friends” because they won’t be there in your 30’s. Pay close attention to those that you enjoy and laugh with, but for some reason never titled them “Best Friend”. That girl in Anatomy, the one who makes you laugh uncontrollably about the oddest things – and the one who gets and adores your innuendos – cherish her. She will be there for you in ways no one else will be. Also, pay attention to the one that is close friends with your best friend. I know you think she doesn’t like you, but she doesn’t know you. And you 2 will have so much in common. You’re both funny and you both love to write. She will help inspire you and one day, remind you that you used to be a writer, long after you tucked that talent away. It will be because of her that you end up persuing a writing gig---and get it. Remember all of the people that had an impact on you. Good and bad. Because, in 15 years, there will be this addictive thing called the internet with websites full of information. These will get you in touch with all of these people. And to your surprise, many of the people you weren’t close with will become a part of your daily life. (Whatever you do, do NOT activate that website on your cell phone. And yes, you will have a cell phone, but it will fit in your pocket.)
Try to stay focused. You are so intelligent and oozing potential. But, all you seem to be oozing is drool over the opposite sex. I promise you, when you least expect it, the perfect match will come along and you will know it. He will be the first one to treat you the way you should be treated. He will put you first. That’s how you’ll know. Your family will think you are too young and it’s too soon. But, stay strong and prove them wrong. Fight for it - and fight until it gets better. It's worth it - I promise.
Be you. You are trying to fit in with everyone. Just find the handful that you have a strong connection with---that like you for you---and let go. Be comfortable with who you are. I know you think you are fat. Trust me. 17 years from now you will beg to look like that again.
Regarding that “perfect match”, listen more. You don’t know everything. Focus on the good qualities he has. No one is perfect and if you always point out the flaws, that’s all you will see. And living with you is certainly no cakewalk – it’s not even a piece of cake. (Speaking of a piece of cake, do not run to one just because you have a bad day. Just pacify me on this, por favor? You're on your 4th year of spanish - I can slip that in there. Gracias.) Be aware of your tone and the verbal & physical responses from those around you. Be self aware. Have respect. And that means being attentive to his needs even though you don't need it. It means valuing his opinion even though you don't agree. Your marriage will be successful no matter what, but I assure you, if you shut your yapper for a few minutes, you can get to living your amazing life with him sooner.
When you meet your future sister-in-law, be nice to her. It’s going to be contentious for a few years, but give it time. You guys are going to have these insatiable 2 hour phone conversations where you say you have to go 20 times, yet you both keep talking. Your children will go unfed because you 2 can’t hang up. You will allow them to all but set the house on fire so you can get your over-analytical fix. (Don’t yell at the kids for the mess they made when you hang up. You were on the phone and they were just staying occupied. It's a small price to pay.) It will be a precious relationship and it will surprise you both.
I would also tell you not to judge. But, you’ll just judge me. Thankfully, all of the judging you do will get you to this point where you incessantly and obnoxiously see both points of view. It will feel like a curse sometimes, but you have no idea how fortunate you are to have it. Embrace it.
And, also, even though you won’t believe me, that girl from 6th grade that you had that hate/hate relationship with, you will find her and she will become instrumental to your life in your 30’s. Apologize to her for what you did to her hair in 7th grade and love her. She was as jealous of you as you were of her.
You are going to lead a charmed and brilliant life. But, it won’t come to you until you let go of your envy of others. People will pick up on your emotions and jabs and it will ruin many relationships. If you find you can’t contain yourself, it’s ok. You will have many epiphanies that will flood your mind and heart at 28. And that's just the beginning. The people who are meant to be in your life, will accept your apology and appreciate you more for who you have become.
Don’t be so hard on your mom. She did the best with what she had. Stop thinking that she woke up every day saying “Let’s see how bad I can f#*% up Heather’s life today!” She thought she was doing the right thing at the time. And I know you’ll believe this because you tell yourself every day – She will fuel you to be a better mom and wife. She will essentially be the sole source for how you raise your kids. (And let me tell you – they are flipping fantastic kids! They will make you proud to be their mother.) Don’t penalize her for long. You will find a plethora of inner peace when you come to terms with this.
You are an emotional one. And, I’m not going to tell you to be otherwise. Eventually, it will manifest into one of your greatest attributes. But, do control it. People will see it as a weakness. Don't let that bother you. Some people are incapable of exposing themselves. Be open and be you - and somehow, people will accept it more from you because they sense your genuineness. Don’t get angry over frivolous stuff. If the line in the grocery store is long, read that magazine that you know you want - but won’t pay $4.99 for it. If it rains on the day of your event, make it the best damn event that ever took place in the rain. If something isn’t going as planned – somehow make the best of it. Laugh more. That's free medicine.
Stop planning. Stop expecting. Set long term goals, lord knows you need them. But, get through every day with a little bit of whimsicality. While you're at it, embrace that part of you. It's who you are. You are unconventional. The sooner you stop fighting it, the better off you'll be.
At 23, you'll buy your first house. Please walk 3 doors down and take some cookies. If you don't do this, it will take you 10 years to figure out that someone who you will bond with instantly lives there. (Yes, you can buy the cookies - I know you can't bake.)
Take a cooking class. Enough said.
Most important, never regret anything. Your parents being the way they were pushes you to move out and you meet your best friend and partner for life. Give them a hug, will ya?! Everything will shape you into someone you love by the time you get to your 30's. I know that seems like it’s far into the future, but it’s not.
And, lastly, it would be spectacularly wonderful if you could get yourself conditioned to a good exercise regimen. I will hate you less.....ahem....I mean.....You and I will get along better at 34 if you could do this one thing for me. Everything else is negotiable.
Enjoy every moment – even the bad ones. There’s a reason you are going through it. Having said that, on June 4th, 1992 – please say no. In fact, go away for the weekend. Nothing good will come from anything that happens as a result of that day. Once again, if you can’t resist, you will still turn out just fine. I’m just trying to save you a year of punishment and 2 years of heartache.
What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. By 34, you’ll be able to move Earth next to Pluto. Which, FYI, is no longer a planet.
Oh, and on April 8, 2003, don't wait to pay the car payment. It would be in your best interest to pay it that day. If you choose to ignore this precious tidbit of information, please take all of your valuables and personal belongings out of the car before going to bed that night. And brace yourself for your husband's reaction on April 9th at approximately 2:17 am.
Live. Love. Laugh. It's your life and you only get one. And it's all completely worth it.
See you in 17 years…….
Much love and admiration for you and what lies ahead,
Humbled – but still invincible & unyielding 34 year old you
PS- Stop reading and get your ass to the gym! Go – NOW!!
That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.
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