The List

Ah, yes. The List. We all know about The List. But who knows what to put on it? We know there are plenty of obligatory tasks. Grocery shop, scrub the toilet (Ok. I've been to a few houses where this may be optional), help with homework, etc. Then there are those items that are dependent upon the kind of person you are. Are you a tough love kind of person or a nurturer? I'm the latter. I am the mom who gets a text from the heartbroken daughter begging to be picked up from 4th period because her boyfriend broke up with her---and go get her. I drop everything for the friend that found out her husband was cheating and just moved out. I am the one that people close to me count on.

Good or bad, I don't mind too terribly to be this person. It really is who I am and I love being able to be "me". The problem is this: If you are not on my list, you don't get taken care of. The list is not hanging on the fridge. It's not even written down. It's mental.

As my kids have gotten older, it's more difficult to entice them to hang with grandma or nana. So, our date nights have dwindled. (Yes, I make them go. But when they were little, they wanted to live there! It was just easier to do a drop off and sneak out.) The kids are so involved in sports that much of our time is consumed by their activities. Even though I tried to focus on "us" and our marriage, I've known I don't do as well as I used to. Having said that, I've always taken great pride that I don't s"mother" MacGyver . I don't tell him when to change his toothbrush, how to cut his hair or what to wear. I didn't even put my foot down when he wanted a motorcycle. I never saw him as being in need of the attention that I gave others. And even though I didn't love him any less, he viewed that attention for others as love. He viewed the lack of attention as a loss of love. He is a grown man---a strong, intelligent and indepedent man---and I have enough kids. I considered him my equal.

Breaking News: Men neeeeeeeeeeeeeed to feel needed and loved. And my generation of women have transitioned from June Cleaver into this Powerhouse Superwoman. We do so much. We work in or out of the home. Some of us do both. We mow the yard. We take the cars for oil changes. We plan meals and buy the groceries. We clean the house. We know what is going on with the kids and their schedules. We know what toothpaste to buy so that the kids don't gag in the morning. I think the guys are starting to feel like we don't neeeeeeeeeeed them---just their paycheck. I didn't think of MacGyver needing me to console him, check in on him, say "I love you" (and I mean times other than before we hang up on the phone) and mean it. He needs a little back rub after a bad day at work. He needs to he cuddled up with me watching T.V. in bed. He needs to know what toothpaste to buy so that the kids don't gag in the morning. ;')

I've always had my marriage, my kids and my house on The List. Thanks to Oprah, I even gave myself prime real estate on The List. But, I don't think I actually ever put MacGyver on The List. And now I see that there is a difference between having just "us" on the list and having "us" and "him".

Simplify your list. Focus on what and who is really important. Make sure those you love KNOW they are loved. And that means not just expressing it the way you do. You have to express it in such a way that they receive it the way it was intended---not the way they interpret it. Marinate on that for a while........

I have many epiphanies. This time, I realized that all of us moms want to be appreciated for all that we do. We have taken on so much that we don't make the time for our spouse. But maybe, just maybe, it is our spouse that is sitting just outside the circle and wishing to be a part of it without being yelled at for buying the wrong toothpaste. Maybe if they felt needed and loved, they would be the spouse that you want them to be. Wouldn't that be something? The very response you are giving because you are upset with your workload is what is preventing you from having the spouse you want? Talk about counterproductive.

Just add them to the list and see what happens. You might be pleasantly surprised with the results. ;')


That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.