Hokey Pokey: Whole Self In

I loooooooove me some Oprah. She's not always right, but her message is always empowering and insightful. (The interview with Jane Fonda--which is where this is stemming from--was no exception.) I do believe you have to be on a specific path in your life journey to appreciate her. When you're feeling down and out, it's easier to "shut down" than it is to "show up". And when you are shut down, it's nearly impossible to hear some of the positive things people are saying. It's easier to dismiss them and think "Well, they just have something to be happy about." But, is that the truth? Do they just make the best out of everything? Do they cope better? And doesn't everyone have something to be happy about?

Grab your coffee and try to follow my wandering mind.....

We all have issues with our life. Issues with our past, our childhood, our past or current marriages. We have strong emotions, some include hatred, for those that hurt us or those we feel didn't love us. As an adult, we place blame on friends, boyfriends and spouses for their roles in our life. Things begin to fester. They manifest into demons that really aren't deserving of a place in your mind, heart and body.

Your parents likely suffered some event(s) that made them not as good to you as they could have been. Maybe they lived with an alcoholic. Maybe they were abused. And that includes physically, emotionally and sexually. Maybe you weren't as easy to deal with as you recall. Maybe you weren't giving the same respect to your friends, boyfriend or spouse that you demanded. Sometimes---well, almost always, because it is human nature---people perpetuate the same cycle because that's all they know. You saw your father emotionally abandon your mom and maybe you subconsciously treat those you love that way. In actuality, it is the easy way because relationships are work. And when you are in pain, even the slightest amount of work seems like a hurdle that is insurmountable.

You have a choice. You can be the same parent, friend and spouse that you had and complain about. Or you can let go, become self aware and really look at your path and determine where you want to end up. Acknowledge who you are. Embrace that person. You shouldn't live in fear that people may figure out you are a fraud. There are certain topics that are difficult for some people to talk about. But, the truth is, it's more common than people let on. If people would speak up and own it, it wouldn't be such a big deal. Instead, we let it embarass us. How long are we going to let other people dictate where we should be in life, what we say & think, what car we drive and how we decorate our house? How long are we going to allow ourselves to make the same mistakes with out loved ones as the very ones we complain about?

You don't have to share your inner most thoughts, feelings and struggles. Although I believe there is something freeing about being able to do that. But it does mean living genuine. Be who you really are. Not who you think people will like you for. After all, you want people to be genuine with you?

And if you really think about it, people are magnets. We attract what we give. If people are genuinely happy, how much time will they spend with a negative person? Even if they are trying to help them, how much of themself will they invest before throwing in the towel? So, if you feel like everyone around you is causing you trouble, maybe it's not their fault. Maybe it's yours for accepting it into your life and allowing it to continue.

To clarify, "getting it" doesn't mean suppressing it. Nor does it mean not caring. It means knowing enough about yourself and life to understand that a happy life stems from the same pain as a negative one. It's up to you as to how you choose to deal with disappointment, choices and consequences. Every corny and cliche quote exists for a reason---they are true.

So forgive. Forget. Break the cycles. Let go of hate. Forgiveness is not intended to give the person who hurt you peace. It's so that person can stop robbing you of yours.

Laugh more. Try to enjoy more. It's practically impossible to enjoy anything when you walk around saying that you hate it all of the time. Think happier thoughts. Focus on the positive. Yell less. Grab onto life. Show up. Stop standing in the corner and come to the table. And bring your whole self. Start loving. Start living. The only other option is to start dying. And that just isn't an option for me. And it shouldn't be for you either.

Maybe the hokey pokey is what life is all about. But, maybe the human race needs to realize not to wait until the end to put your whole self in. Start now. Go ahead---shake it all about.

That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

The List

Ah, yes. The List. We all know about The List. But who knows what to put on it? We know there are plenty of obligatory tasks. Grocery shop, scrub the toilet (Ok. I've been to a few houses where this may be optional), help with homework, etc. Then there are those items that are dependent upon the kind of person you are. Are you a tough love kind of person or a nurturer? I'm the latter. I am the mom who gets a text from the heartbroken daughter begging to be picked up from 4th period because her boyfriend broke up with her---and go get her. I drop everything for the friend that found out her husband was cheating and just moved out. I am the one that people close to me count on.

Good or bad, I don't mind too terribly to be this person. It really is who I am and I love being able to be "me". The problem is this: If you are not on my list, you don't get taken care of. The list is not hanging on the fridge. It's not even written down. It's mental.

As my kids have gotten older, it's more difficult to entice them to hang with grandma or nana. So, our date nights have dwindled. (Yes, I make them go. But when they were little, they wanted to live there! It was just easier to do a drop off and sneak out.) The kids are so involved in sports that much of our time is consumed by their activities. Even though I tried to focus on "us" and our marriage, I've known I don't do as well as I used to. Having said that, I've always taken great pride that I don't s"mother" MacGyver . I don't tell him when to change his toothbrush, how to cut his hair or what to wear. I didn't even put my foot down when he wanted a motorcycle. I never saw him as being in need of the attention that I gave others. And even though I didn't love him any less, he viewed that attention for others as love. He viewed the lack of attention as a loss of love. He is a grown man---a strong, intelligent and indepedent man---and I have enough kids. I considered him my equal.

Breaking News: Men neeeeeeeeeeeeeed to feel needed and loved. And my generation of women have transitioned from June Cleaver into this Powerhouse Superwoman. We do so much. We work in or out of the home. Some of us do both. We mow the yard. We take the cars for oil changes. We plan meals and buy the groceries. We clean the house. We know what is going on with the kids and their schedules. We know what toothpaste to buy so that the kids don't gag in the morning. I think the guys are starting to feel like we don't neeeeeeeeeeed them---just their paycheck. I didn't think of MacGyver needing me to console him, check in on him, say "I love you" (and I mean times other than before we hang up on the phone) and mean it. He needs a little back rub after a bad day at work. He needs to he cuddled up with me watching T.V. in bed. He needs to know what toothpaste to buy so that the kids don't gag in the morning. ;')

I've always had my marriage, my kids and my house on The List. Thanks to Oprah, I even gave myself prime real estate on The List. But, I don't think I actually ever put MacGyver on The List. And now I see that there is a difference between having just "us" on the list and having "us" and "him".

Simplify your list. Focus on what and who is really important. Make sure those you love KNOW they are loved. And that means not just expressing it the way you do. You have to express it in such a way that they receive it the way it was intended---not the way they interpret it. Marinate on that for a while........

I have many epiphanies. This time, I realized that all of us moms want to be appreciated for all that we do. We have taken on so much that we don't make the time for our spouse. But maybe, just maybe, it is our spouse that is sitting just outside the circle and wishing to be a part of it without being yelled at for buying the wrong toothpaste. Maybe if they felt needed and loved, they would be the spouse that you want them to be. Wouldn't that be something? The very response you are giving because you are upset with your workload is what is preventing you from having the spouse you want? Talk about counterproductive.

Just add them to the list and see what happens. You might be pleasantly surprised with the results. ;')


That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

Let's get ready to ruuuuuuuuumble!

In this corner, weighing in at (unintelligible) pounds, the loving, nurturing, compassionate June Cleaver. And in this corner, weighing in at (unintelligible) pounds, the oblivious, selfish, neglectful Peg Bundy!

Having 3 kids, being a wife and maintaining the home - and everything that transpires in it- makes it a flip of the coin as to which mom my kids get. Of course, they prefer the adoring June Cleaver. But, by now, they are very aware of a few of the well known triggers. (Aware does not necessarily mean able to avoid.) Let’s further examine what wakes up Peg Bundy.

- Talking to me while American Idol is on (I didn't say these would be good reasons. I just said it wakes Peg up.)
- Also, Grey’s Anatomy (Lord help them if McSteamy is in the shower and they say “Mom” – the moment is ruined. LOL)
- The entire ABC Wednesday night TV line up
- Bringing me a form to sign at 9:01 pm (The rule is nothing after 9:00)
- Giving me a form to sign as I am driving them to school
- Asking for field trip money/permission slip the day it’s due
- Waiting until after 9 to attempt to wash something they want to wear the next day (Guess who they want to put it in the dryer?)
- When they fight with each other
- Saying “I love you, Mommay (yes, it sounds like Mom-may in their sneaky, loving voice.) This is a dead give away because it alerts me that after Mom, is “May I”. So I guess “MomMay” is appropriate. Great substitutes would be “MomCan” and “MomWill”. I hold out hope for “MomPlease”.
- A phone call from a teacher, ISS (In School Suspension), Bus referral. (These events actually metamorhpasize Peg into the Greek Monster, Medusa.)


All is not lost. June Cleaver still makes guest appearances. Lately, she has been getting her beauty rest, but she's around. And what brings out June?

- When they are sick
- When they get good grades on a test & their report cards
- When I see a hint (even if it a slight nano spec) of kindness for their siblings
- When one of them asks me if they can give their money to a homeless person on the corner or any person in need
- When I come home and chores are done and I never even had to ask
- When they do something I asked after the first request. Hell, on the 3rd request is still appreciated. ;)
- When a friendship or a relationship has ended and they are emotionally distraught (Although, this may or may not be permanent. Sometimes I’m still pep talking them and they have already texted the person involved and all is well again)
- When they hug me and say “I love you, Mommy” and don’t ask me for anything.
(Not to be confused with Mommay. All kidding aside, there is a distinct difference. I’ll video tape it one day and post it.)
- When they repeat a quote I once said to them because they applied it to life. It reminds me that not only do they listen, but that they “get it”!
- When they have friends over and tell them that I make the best “whatever”. It makes me want to cook/bake. (At some point between the smile with pride and the putting the ingredients on the counter, Peg usually interrupts and we end up at Cold Stone or Marble Slab. Hmmm…maybe the kids know this and set me up.)

I love both "moms" in me. June adores her kids, wants them to be successful, happy, loving, compassionate people. But, Peg is teaching them that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. Peg gets to have lunch with friends, get a pedicure or manicure, go on date night with hubby, or just have quiet & alone time.

The middle schoolers are keeping Peg busy lately. They have even brought Medusa out to play a few times. But, June is holding her own. Most days, June sneaks up behind Peg and chokes her out with her apron strap. Today on the other hand, June is face down in the dirt while Peg is standing tall above her, lightly digging her stiletto heel into her back. I am not sure when Peg will get a good nights sleep, but she is strong. She can stand her ground--- and on June’s back---until these kids get it together.

I just heard a door slam, a kid cry and a cell phone ring tone (a cell phone that should be OFF). After just one round, the clear winner – and ultimate champion until these kids get back in line – Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg Bundy!

Enjoy this article while it’s up. Michael Buffer is pretty serious about his trademark “Let’s get ready to rumble” being used. His lawyer may send me a cease and desist letter any day now. LOL

(I wrote this several months ago. Barbara Billingsley, the actress who played June Cleaver, just passed away this weekend. I thought it was an appropriate time to post it from my personal blog.)

A personal letter

My Dearest Friend,


I hope this letter finds you well, but missing me. We have had an unbreakable bond for almost your entire life and you just discarded me like I mean nothing to you. That hurts me because of the unconditional support I have given you throughout our relationship. I have been there for you. We’ve shared your good times and bad. Growing up, when the fights were so devastating, who did you turn to? When you struggled with boys breaking your heart, who was there? Who was there when the kids were babies and you were tired or they didn't stop crying? Who attended every single birthday and holiday party? Who always instantaneously made you feel good and loved?

You used to depend on me daily for strength and consolation and now it appears as though you are trying to find it from within. I know you. Better than you know yourself. You put on a good show for all of your friends and family---and you may even have them believing that you are ok inside---but I know better. I know that you miss me. I know you think of me. I know that at any given second, I'm a fingertip away from being back in your life. You can't make it without me. Not forever. It won't be long until we have our bond back. You need me. And the hold our relationship has on you reminds me that you will struggle everyday that I'm not back in your life.

I will always be there for you. I'm the one who will celebrate your successes and achievements when others are jealous or feel insecure. I’ll soothe and comfort you when you experience times that are difficult when others can't be bothered in your time of need. No matter the occasion, I'm the one that will always be available. No matter the reason. No matter the time. No matter the place.

You're a strong woman. But, you have your weaknesses. I know your wall is breaking. You've reached out a few times only to withdraw again. You're getting weak. You’re tempted to allow me back in. Until you finally breakdown and show just how much you need and love me, I will be sitting here--a fingertip away--patiently waiting for you.

Without any notice--or hesitation--we can pick back up right where we left off. No ill feelings on my end.

All my love,

Food

***For those who don't know me, I have struggled with weight my entire adult life. I am on the right path, but it is still a struggle. From time to time, there will be posts about the emotions of weight loss, the hurdles and the lessons.

A letter to myself at 17

Everyone is writing these letters to their younger self and I just can’t resist. What would I say to the younger me with this abundance of knowledge I have now? Oh, if this were truly possible, I would do a back flip. (Ok, so I only say that because I know it can’t be done. Ironically, neither can my back flip.)

Dear 17 year old supercilious, invincible, unyielding teenager,

There you are. Crying. Over a boy. Your friends are gathered around the lunch table with those rubber rectangles covered in spaghetti sauce and sprinkled with cheese that the school calls pizza. Consoling you on the recent death of prom victim #42. (Really, you could have at least attempted to stick with a date selection for longer than a week.) You are searching for that relationship - the one that family is supposed to give you unconditionally. Stop looking. You won’t find it there in high school. And truth be told, you aren’t ready for friendships, much less a serious boyfriend.

Don’t pour everything into the ones that you call your “Best Friends” because they won’t be there in your 30’s. Pay close attention to those that you enjoy and laugh with, but for some reason never titled them “Best Friend”. That girl in Anatomy, the one who makes you laugh uncontrollably about the oddest things – and the one who gets and adores your innuendos – cherish her. She will be there for you in ways no one else will be. Also, pay attention to the one that is close friends with your best friend. I know you think she doesn’t like you, but she doesn’t know you. And you 2 will have so much in common. You’re both funny and you both love to write. She will help inspire you and one day, remind you that you used to be a writer, long after you tucked that talent away. It will be because of her that you end up persuing a writing gig---and get it. Remember all of the people that had an impact on you. Good and bad. Because, in 15 years, there will be this addictive thing called the internet with websites full of information. These will get you in touch with all of these people. And to your surprise, many of the people you weren’t close with will become a part of your daily life. (Whatever you do, do NOT activate that website on your cell phone. And yes, you will have a cell phone, but it will fit in your pocket.)

Try to stay focused. You are so intelligent and oozing potential. But, all you seem to be oozing is drool over the opposite sex. I promise you, when you least expect it, the perfect match will come along and you will know it. He will be the first one to treat you the way you should be treated. He will put you first. That’s how you’ll know. Your family will think you are too young and it’s too soon. But, stay strong and prove them wrong. Fight for it - and fight until it gets better. It's worth it - I promise.

Be you. You are trying to fit in with everyone. Just find the handful that you have a strong connection with---that like you for you---and let go. Be comfortable with who you are. I know you think you are fat. Trust me. 17 years from now you will beg to look like that again.

Regarding that “perfect match”, listen more. You don’t know everything. Focus on the good qualities he has. No one is perfect and if you always point out the flaws, that’s all you will see. And living with you is certainly no cakewalk – it’s not even a piece of cake. (Speaking of a piece of cake, do not run to one just because you have a bad day. Just pacify me on this, por favor? You're on your 4th year of spanish - I can slip that in there. Gracias.) Be aware of your tone and the verbal & physical responses from those around you. Be self aware. Have respect. And that means being attentive to his needs even though you don't need it. It means valuing his opinion even though you don't agree. Your marriage will be successful no matter what, but I assure you, if you shut your yapper for a few minutes, you can get to living your amazing life with him sooner.

When you meet your future sister-in-law, be nice to her. It’s going to be contentious for a few years, but give it time. You guys are going to have these insatiable 2 hour phone conversations where you say you have to go 20 times, yet you both keep talking. Your children will go unfed because you 2 can’t hang up. You will allow them to all but set the house on fire so you can get your over-analytical fix. (Don’t yell at the kids for the mess they made when you hang up. You were on the phone and they were just staying occupied. It's a small price to pay.) It will be a precious relationship and it will surprise you both.

I would also tell you not to judge. But, you’ll just judge me. Thankfully, all of the judging you do will get you to this point where you incessantly and obnoxiously see both points of view. It will feel like a curse sometimes, but you have no idea how fortunate you are to have it. Embrace it.

And, also, even though you won’t believe me, that girl from 6th grade that you had that hate/hate relationship with, you will find her and she will become instrumental to your life in your 30’s. Apologize to her for what you did to her hair in 7th grade and love her. She was as jealous of you as you were of her.

You are going to lead a charmed and brilliant life. But, it won’t come to you until you let go of your envy of others. People will pick up on your emotions and jabs and it will ruin many relationships. If you find you can’t contain yourself, it’s ok. You will have many epiphanies that will flood your mind and heart at 28. And that's just the beginning. The people who are meant to be in your life, will accept your apology and appreciate you more for who you have become.

Don’t be so hard on your mom. She did the best with what she had. Stop thinking that she woke up every day saying “Let’s see how bad I can f#*% up Heather’s life today!” She thought she was doing the right thing at the time. And I know you’ll believe this because you tell yourself every day – She will fuel you to be a better mom and wife. She will essentially be the sole source for how you raise your kids. (And let me tell you – they are flipping fantastic kids! They will make you proud to be their mother.) Don’t penalize her for long. You will find a plethora of inner peace when you come to terms with this.

You are an emotional one. And, I’m not going to tell you to be otherwise. Eventually, it will manifest into one of your greatest attributes. But, do control it. People will see it as a weakness. Don't let that bother you. Some people are incapable of exposing themselves. Be open and be you - and somehow, people will accept it more from you because they sense your genuineness. Don’t get angry over frivolous stuff. If the line in the grocery store is long, read that magazine that you know you want - but won’t pay $4.99 for it. If it rains on the day of your event, make it the best damn event that ever took place in the rain. If something isn’t going as planned – somehow make the best of it. Laugh more. That's free medicine.

Stop planning. Stop expecting. Set long term goals, lord knows you need them. But, get through every day with a little bit of whimsicality. While you're at it, embrace that part of you. It's who you are. You are unconventional. The sooner you stop fighting it, the better off you'll be.

At 23, you'll buy your first house. Please walk 3 doors down and take some cookies. If you don't do this, it will take you 10 years to figure out that someone who you will bond with instantly lives there. (Yes, you can buy the cookies - I know you can't bake.)

Take a cooking class. Enough said.

Most important, never regret anything. Your parents being the way they were pushes you to move out and you meet your best friend and partner for life. Give them a hug, will ya?! Everything will shape you into someone you love by the time you get to your 30's. I know that seems like it’s far into the future, but it’s not.

And, lastly, it would be spectacularly wonderful if you could get yourself conditioned to a good exercise regimen. I will hate you less.....ahem....I mean.....You and I will get along better at 34 if you could do this one thing for me. Everything else is negotiable.

Enjoy every moment – even the bad ones. There’s a reason you are going through it. Having said that, on June 4th, 1992 – please say no. In fact, go away for the weekend. Nothing good will come from anything that happens as a result of that day. Once again, if you can’t resist, you will still turn out just fine. I’m just trying to save you a year of punishment and 2 years of heartache.

What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. By 34, you’ll be able to move Earth next to Pluto. Which, FYI, is no longer a planet.

Oh, and on April 8, 2003, don't wait to pay the car payment. It would be in your best interest to pay it that day. If you choose to ignore this precious tidbit of information, please take all of your valuables and personal belongings out of the car before going to bed that night. And brace yourself for your husband's reaction on April 9th at approximately 2:17 am.

Live. Love. Laugh. It's your life and you only get one. And it's all completely worth it.

See you in 17 years…….

Much love and admiration for you and what lies ahead,

Humbled – but still invincible & unyielding 34 year old you



PS- Stop reading and get your ass to the gym! Go – NOW!!

That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.