Big Momma and Me

Things, as of right now, are better than they've been in almost a year. A lot of things have been resolved and are well on their way to being what they used to be, if not better. But it's been months of crisis: financial, marital, parental, mental, health. Recently, I've had a heavy heart. On Monday night, at the urge of my mother and support of my husband, I got a mini getaway to almost a type luxury resort. You know---the room is outrageously priced and anything for you to use in the room is going to cost you. It wasn't St. Lucia, but it would have to do. And thankfully, I only had to pay 20% of the bill.

I was on the 4th floor and let me tell you: this was the place to be if you wanted to be doted on. With the push of a button, I could have someone at my service. They almost were annoying with their checking in on me to make sure I was comfortable. While I was enjoying some downtime, a woman next to me was trying to do the same. She was so joyous and jovial, but her health seemed to give her no reason to be. We started to talk and she adamantly informed me her Blood Pressure was no longer a problem---as long as she took her meds. (Which I think made my brain want to initiate a debate as to whether the general population understand that if you neeeeeed meds, you still have a problem. But this wasn't the place.) She tells me she has 5 grandkids and 3 children. I noticed she mentioned the kids last and asked her jokingly if there was a reason. She said, in her best fitting Big Momma voice "Child, those kids are why I'm here. I love them dearly and they turned out well. But those grandkids are the loves of my life. Make sure you are able to enjoy the lives of your children's children. They love you differently---and it's blissful and delightful." Wow. What do you say to that?! She excitedly proceeded to tell me she has lost 80 pounds over the past year and what foods to eat to do it. (I already knew, but I listened intently because Big Momma was just enjoying being heard. I'm thinking that Big Daddy did most of the talking at home.) Big Momma (aka known as Mrs. Renita Williams) seemed to know everyone by name and informed them how she would be treated. I knew pretty quick she was a frequent visitor.

On the same floor, a few rooms over, there seemed to be a panic---the kind of panic when a code RED alarm goes off in a hospital. I heard family yelling and found out that someones heart had stopped. I never found out if they revived it.

There was a treadmill not too far away and when I woke up, I went over and used it. Even took a few pictures. I felt tired but accomplished. I mean, really, I never workout when I stay anywhere so this was a first. I went back to my room and turned on the tv. Barbara Walters ws talking about having her heart checked. Studio 10 was showing how to eat healthier. And Dr. Oz was talking about heart health and cholesterol. Prior to that day, almost everyday, I always wondered exactly what damage my weight and my less than perfect food choices had done.

That moment, I didn't have to wonder anymore. I was discharged from St. Lucia....I mean St. Josephs 4th floor cardiac unit with a clean bill of health. And of course, a lecture about what the modern day diet---whether you're skinny or obese---has done to our bodies, our hearts and our life span. I gained all the weight back that I lost last year. And it was so easy to do. Life just got in the way. No. Wait. I take that back. I allowed life to get in the way. And I want to be around many, many years to enjoy it. Because after all, Big Momma said I need to be around to experience the life of my children's children because they'll be the loves of my life. Who wants to miss that?

Big Momma was not doing well when I was discharged. She is on a huge amount of medications and oxygen and still weighs 346 pounds. But she was spunky. When they came to take her for more tests, she said to the young, thin, pretty nurse "Shugah, Ima need you to shut that door. I'm not graceful enough to get up outta this here bed in this nightgown made for negative size people without flashing my lucky charms. Now, hunnay, I know times have changed for your generation, but I don't show my lucky charms for free. You gonna have to at least buy me dinner.....or something sweet because this cardiac diet is for the cows." I tried hard not to chuckle out loud but she heard me. She said "Laugh out loud, baby. That's what life is all about. Laughing out loud. I think your generation even rolls around the floor laughing your booty off. Lawdy, if that actually worked, I'd look like Beyonce and act like a diva!" Somehow, I believe her.

Maybe the relief that the chest pains I had were not a heart attack. Maybe it's because of Big Momma that I enjoyed my stay. Maybe the code RED was a reality check. Maybe the clean bill of health fuels me to not ruin a 2nd chance. Whatever it is......Big Momma is right: Times have changed for our generation. And I'm going to have to work really, really hard to make the necessary changes......permanently. Take care of your heart.....and your lucky charms. ;)

That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

The vase.....

So, it’s been a while. You know that a lull in my writing can only mean one thing---it has to be really bad for me not to blog about it. I’m willing to share just about anything. I think people learn from it and I feel better. Some people admire it….some people condemn it. But, the older I get, the more I care about the rats ass than what people think. Even so, there are specifics that I won’t divulge publicly, but I will use the best story combined with an analogy I can to get my point across.

Imagine a beautiful room, with a beautiful vase sitting on a gorgeous, well crafted table. The first morning you wake up to this scene, you soak it up. You admire the craftsmanship of the table. You admire the strength, sturdiness and beauty of it. You notice there are a few rocks of different shapes and sizes---all exquisite---in the vase. You note each design and the beauty within each one. You are oblivious to all that is around. You just focus on the vase and the table.

Every morning, you check the vase, pleasantly surprised to see a few more beautiful rocks. Day after day, year after year--- just as expected---rocks fill the vase.

As time goes on, the rocks have blended together and they seem less vibrant. The table seems to be worn. Some days, you don’t even notice the rocks. You have other things that need tending. Eventually, you spend your days tending to everything BUT the vase and table. But, people come over and admire your room---your table, your vase and how full it is. You just know it’s there every day. You don’t appreciate it’s beauty like you once did.

You’re too busy too notice that less and less rocks are being put into the vase. You’re too tired to notice that the table is cracking. Until one day, you wake up and the vase is sitting on the floor, empty. The vase has been full for 15 years, sitting on that magnificent table just as long. You feel a void that you never thought you would have. You just expected the vase and table would always be there…..

Let me tie this all together for you.

The room is your life.
The vase is your heart.
The table is your spouse.
The rocks are all the important moments---the ones we often deem insignificant in the middle of it all, but end up being the most significant in the grand scheme of things:
A kiss when you wake up.
A jacket when you are cold.
A foot rub when your feet hurt.
A holding of your hand when you sit in the emergency room.
Recording Saturday Night Live for you because your favorite actor is hosting and you fell asleep.
A cold washcloth when you have a fever.
An “I love you” just because…and mean it.

And the rocks stop filling the vase when you become to busy to be bothered. Too busy with laundry, facebook, dinner with the girls, scrapbooking, dishes, cooking, watching American Idol, mopping or cleaning baseboards to notice the rocks.

Don’t expect that your spouse will always be there because they always have been. Don’t expect that they will tolerate what you’ve always done because they never say anything about it. Know what matters and treasure it. We tend to forget that just because it always has been, doesn’t mean it always will be. Don’t let your spouse feel like you don’t care about them. Don’t allow your spouse to carry the weight of your heart on their shoulders.


Don’t just expect that the table will always hold the vase. Don’t expect that the vase will always be full. Repairing the table and refilling the vase is not impossible, but it is a long and winding road. Don’t wait for your vase to be empty and the table to be broken---or gone---to realize how much you adored it. But in reality, sometimes you have to be without the table to realize the importance it has and what it provided.

Take care of your room, your vase, your table---and appreciate every rock inside the vase. Even the small, dull, ugly ones. They just remind you how special the other rocks are.

Learning to take care of my table, appreciate every rock and rebuild my room……


That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

Let Go & Grab On

Earlier last week, I was the Secret Santa Shopper for the Angel tree at work. While I was trying to make $960 stretch over 24 kids, I started to think about my life and how 2010 had gone. This was not our best year---not by a long shot. Personally, financially, emotionally, maritally (Yes, it's a real word) and relationshipally (No, it's not a real word) things didn't go as---shall we say---smoothly as they have in years past. All I had been thinking about was how I could pull off getting my oldest a Mac laptop. These kids were asking for toothbrushes and socks. And if they splurged on anything---it was Super Hero Underwear and bubble bath. It was heart breaking. And humbling.

I started to think about how we---people in general--- spend our life waiting for things to happen or change and then bitch about the way things are until they do. Some do this more than others, but we are all guilty. We all complain about relationships and friendships and often money. We express our deepest and typically most negative emotions. We are human. We should all be allowed to express "what's on our mind". But, some people take it literally. Or they need a new mind.

Maybe one day I will find myself openly, and repetitively complaining about work, traffic, parking spots or not having enough time. Maybe I will lose my sense of peace and just start bitch slapping 30-something guys that wear shirts with dragons that are 2 sizes too small. Maybe I will complain that people just don't get it! Maybe I will spend my days festering over how another mom let their kid wear shorts to school when it's cold outside. Or be ticked off at how parents could let their kid play a video game that isn't age appropriate. Maybe one day, I will buy everyone a Christmas gift and fill their stockings and bitch about how they didn't buy me anything or fill my stocking. Maybe I'll remind the world about what my parents didn't do for me and how bitter I am. Maybe I'll start saying how much I hate Oprah. Maybe one day I will get tired of just being the peaceful, perceptive person I am and tell everyone how I really feel. Maybe.........

But, the truth is this. Complaining about traffic means you have a car. And I know enough people that don't. They walk to work. Rain or shine. Complaining about work means you have a job. And I know plenty of people without one of those. Complaining about how little time you have JUST TAKES AWAY FROM THE LITTLE TIME YOU HAVE. Manage it better. Simplify. Delete. There's enough time. Really. People have been making it for years. Complaining about the Jersey Shore look alike wearing the too small dragon shirt is just stupid to begin with. But, the irony is you are 30 something wearing jeans with holes in places there shouldn't be and a top that my teenage daughter could wear---which leaves your boobs, muffins and ass crack peaking out. Saying that "People just don't get it" is probably the most truthful thing I hear. They don't. And neither does the person saying it. You forget that you are "people" and you have to include yourself. *IF* you truly got it----you would understand people---and you wouldn't be so frustrated. And when you add kids and the cold weather, it's simple. They deal with the cold better than us adults. I remember my gramma wanting me to put on long underwear and I thought she needed to be baker acted! She was out of her mind if I was wearing anything like that! I will suffer through the cold to look cool. And I survived. And who really cares if someone else's 7 year old is playing Call of Duty? If that mom starts sneaking in your kids window and playing HALO with him, I'll punch her for you. Until then, let it gooooooooo. And buy Christmas gifts for those you want to---not obligated to. Fill the stockings because you want to. Because you feel better when you do. Not because you hope yours will be filled in return. And your parents? Enough. How long are you going to use them as your crutch in life? How much more hate can you harbor against them? Most people that I hear complain turned out pretty good---so thank your parents. Because many of the people that aren't complaining, are STILL being supported by and living with them. How'd ya like that? I didn't think you would. And Oprah! Really? You don't have to like her. But how much hate do you have to have in you that you hate her?! You have to be pretty miserable to hate her, in my opinion. Otherwise, you just wouldn't care. And there is a difference. I hope to always be a peaceful, perceptive person. The alternative doesn't seem like much of a good time to me.

Worry about the things that matter. Your spouse, your kids, your pets (Yes, that's for my peeps that love their pets like they were kids), and your family. Fix the relationships that are broken. There are exceptions, but if you were to really step back and look at it, you played a part. All of this will sound hokey, cliche and trite. But life is too short. There isn't enough time---to nurture what we traditionally abandon---people. And we abandon it so that people who don't matter can see if our floors are mopped and our toilets are scrubbed. Those that matter most and are good for us in our life don't give a rats ass if any of that is done.

So, let go and grab on. Let go of the petty crap that won't matter when you're 80 sitting in a rocking chair. Grab on to those things you will miss most and regret not doing when you get to your rocking chair. I don't have to be 80---none of us have to be 80---to know what we will regret. But, not being 80 tricks us into thinking we have plenty of time. And, since most people complain that they don't, you'd think we'd get to work on that. Then again, people just don't get it. ;')

I hope 2011 brings you---no---I hope you create peace and perspective in 2011.

Be the change you want to see in the world---starting with your world.

That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

Taming the Tantrums

It’s natural to have tantrums; adults have them all the time. We can lose our temper when someone cuts us off in traffic or when our kids don’t listen. Maturing is all about managing our emotions more effectively, and it’s a lifetime project. Tantrums can’t be completely avoided, but we can impact how often and how long they go on by the way we respond to our children’s outbursts.

When we yell or give in, we’re relieving our own distress rather than helping our children develop self-control and will only make things worse.

What to do:

Get yourself to a calm and assertive state: The first order of business is to get yourself under control; get calm, rather than trying to get your child under control. Put the effort there. Take a walk around the house, count to 100, and take your own timeout. Call a friend. Do whatever you can do to get yourself under control, but again, try not to lose your temper. Remember, you’re just trying to be the anchor in the storm that’s calming the system down. If one person in a system can stay relatively calm, that's the best way to quiet any kind of upset or tantrum.

Your child needs to learn how to control emotions, we can’t control them: Remember, you are not responsible for the choices your child makes. Rather, you are responsible for how you choose to handle those choices. Try not to get engaged by your kids' angry outbursts. If it doesn’t capture you, it won’t capture them. Stay focused on staying calm. Do not react by yelling, worrying, hovering or giving in—all typical things that we do as parents. Remember, anxiety is contagious, and so is calm.

Do not give into your child’s request: If you give in to your child's requests when he has an outburst, it will set up a pattern where you create more tantrums. In effect, you’ve taught your child that the best way to get what he wants is to scream, yell and be out of control.

If you’re in public place, you can simply explain that your child is having a hard time, excuse yourself and move out of the situation. Leave the room, go to the car, or go home. Remember, you don’t want to give the tantrum attention, either positively or negatively.

Isolate your child: Put your younger child in his room or in some spot where he can have a timeout or cooling off period and learn how to soothe himself. Make sure you’re not continually engaging him in his tantrum. When the child is calm is when you can discuss what is upsetting them.

Teach your child: Parents are the teachers. Your children can’t handle these strong emotions yet and it’s our job to help them learn how to do that. Remember, they are testing you—and believe it or not, they truly want you to win this particular test. On the surface, your child really wants you to give in, but on another level, he wants to see that there are strong parents in the room. Kids want to know that their parents are sturdy, strong and reliable and are people who mean what they say. They don’t want parents who are going to fall apart. They need us to stay anchored and be the disciplinarian. That is what they NEED.

www.parentingwithangela.com

The Time of my Life

Last Friday night, we attended eye-rolling-whatever-mumbling-compliment-me-and-love-me-only-when-he-wants-something's high school football game. He isn't playing. He was on JV this year but some of the kids he has grown up with moved to varsity. We know many of the parents and had been invited several times. And honestly, I had this nostalgia feeling about a Friday night football game, being a dancerette, performing with the band at halftime, watching everyone decorate themself in school colors in the name of school spirit. So, we went.

Let me tell you---my memories were not far off and the night oddly enough didn't disappoint. Let's bullet point a few things that have not changed.

• The energy. Those kids and families are creating a vibe that can't be reproduced.


• The cheerleaders. Well, this actually may have improved/evolved. I don't recall some of the stunts and gymnastics that I witnessed. It was quite impressive.


• The band. I have to tell you that "our" band: not so good. The guest's band made me want to sneak over to the other side and bust a move. Luckily, there were 200 of them and they made their presence known from across the field. They were incredible and played recognizable music - current and classic.


• The dancerettes. Having fun, laughing and dancing with the band as they dueled each other.


• The crowd. The excitement when your team scores a touchdown. The collective "Whaaaaat?!?!" when a ref makes a perceived bad call. The teenagers in the student section hanging out with their best friends, boyfriends/girlfriends enjoying the game. The couple of kids that choose not to wear shirts but rather paint their bodies in school colors to appear as if the paint is the shirt in the hopes that the news crew will put them on T.V. (which they did).
• The "notice me-er's". The girls or guys who went all out hoping to be noticed by the opposite sex of their choice. You can always tell when 3 girls are walking by, flipping the hair, laughing, briefly looking just to look away......and juuuuuuust when they get passed the person, they pretend they forgot something and they have to walk by again. It screams "Hey! Look at me!" Interesting and funny to watch as an adult knowing what I know now.


• The rebellious girls. The ones that left the house wearing significantly more clothing and drastically less make up.


• The dweller. You know....the former quarterback, homecoming king that sits in the stands with vodka in his water bottle because he hasn't been able to reproduce the feeling he had in high school.

Things that have changed: Pants seem tighter, shorts are shorter, hair is straight, bangs--- if you have them, fall on your forehead---not sticking straight up in the air like antennae, definitely less hair spray and absolutely no aqua net---and a lot of fist pumping. Other than that, seems like old times. LOL

Our team won and is going to the playoffs. Great game, great night. I was reminded of so many good feeling memories---as well as some of the bad. The drama. The "he-said-she-said" game. The break ups. The people who use you. The emotions. The hormones. The struggle between grades and a social life. Fitting in. Finding you. Figuring out who "you" are. Thinking that I just needed to get through this point in time because it would get better when I got out.

I sat there feeling this incessant need to inform all of these future adults to embrace these moments.....to tell them that this is the time of your life. I wanted to tell the former quarterback that life goes on and you can't hold on to what used to be. If you hold on too strong, you'll miss out on what's available to you right now. I wanted to tell the "notice me-er" girl if he doesn't notice you---find someone else who does.

Then, I had a conversation with a guy who "peaked" in high school. He was funny, cute, key player on the football team and really enjoyed high school----I mean really. So much so that he can't enjoy anything that has happened after that because being an adult can't compete. It's a lot easier to be a super star in a building filled with 1,500 people than it is to be noticed in the real world. I was trying (gently) to tell this guy that he has let the past 20 years slip away because he is hung up on high school.

I kid you not, when I have my actual epiphany, there is a sound in my head that sounds like screeching tires. That symbolizes my brain coming to an immediate halt and taking in the new info. So, insert "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" here.

Aren't we all guilty of not embracing the moment? Some are stuck in the past. Coulda, shoulda and woulda are the 3 musketeers following you around. (Well, my 3 musketeers might have also come in the form of a rectangular like gooey substance coated with a semi-hard shell in a pretty silver wrapper---but, hey, we all handle it on our own way. ;) I am guilty of saying things like "If the baby would just crawl, he wouldn't be so frustrated and life would be better" only to say "If he could just walk, things would be easier" followed by "Can you please just sit still" that eventually leads to "I can't wait until all of you are 18 and I can live my life" which regrettably leaves you feeling sad, wishing you could go back and leaving voice messages with things like "Why haven't you called? I miss and love you."

Don't wish your life away hoping to get to the next phase. Don't waste your life away wishing you could go back. Create the now. Enjoy the now. It doesn't matter what it is. Captain of the cheerleading team, quarterback, head of the Science Team, just giving birth to triplets, waking up every 2 hours to feed a newborn, loosing your home, getting a divorce--- This is the time of your life. It's the time of your life to make it the time of your life.

Time can do a lot of things. But it doesn't give back.

Don't be the 30-something that gets stuck in the teen years only to wake up one day 50-something and realize that 30-something could have been pretty damn good if you had actually lived it.

That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

Hokey Pokey: Whole Self In

I loooooooove me some Oprah. She's not always right, but her message is always empowering and insightful. (The interview with Jane Fonda--which is where this is stemming from--was no exception.) I do believe you have to be on a specific path in your life journey to appreciate her. When you're feeling down and out, it's easier to "shut down" than it is to "show up". And when you are shut down, it's nearly impossible to hear some of the positive things people are saying. It's easier to dismiss them and think "Well, they just have something to be happy about." But, is that the truth? Do they just make the best out of everything? Do they cope better? And doesn't everyone have something to be happy about?

Grab your coffee and try to follow my wandering mind.....

We all have issues with our life. Issues with our past, our childhood, our past or current marriages. We have strong emotions, some include hatred, for those that hurt us or those we feel didn't love us. As an adult, we place blame on friends, boyfriends and spouses for their roles in our life. Things begin to fester. They manifest into demons that really aren't deserving of a place in your mind, heart and body.

Your parents likely suffered some event(s) that made them not as good to you as they could have been. Maybe they lived with an alcoholic. Maybe they were abused. And that includes physically, emotionally and sexually. Maybe you weren't as easy to deal with as you recall. Maybe you weren't giving the same respect to your friends, boyfriend or spouse that you demanded. Sometimes---well, almost always, because it is human nature---people perpetuate the same cycle because that's all they know. You saw your father emotionally abandon your mom and maybe you subconsciously treat those you love that way. In actuality, it is the easy way because relationships are work. And when you are in pain, even the slightest amount of work seems like a hurdle that is insurmountable.

You have a choice. You can be the same parent, friend and spouse that you had and complain about. Or you can let go, become self aware and really look at your path and determine where you want to end up. Acknowledge who you are. Embrace that person. You shouldn't live in fear that people may figure out you are a fraud. There are certain topics that are difficult for some people to talk about. But, the truth is, it's more common than people let on. If people would speak up and own it, it wouldn't be such a big deal. Instead, we let it embarass us. How long are we going to let other people dictate where we should be in life, what we say & think, what car we drive and how we decorate our house? How long are we going to allow ourselves to make the same mistakes with out loved ones as the very ones we complain about?

You don't have to share your inner most thoughts, feelings and struggles. Although I believe there is something freeing about being able to do that. But it does mean living genuine. Be who you really are. Not who you think people will like you for. After all, you want people to be genuine with you?

And if you really think about it, people are magnets. We attract what we give. If people are genuinely happy, how much time will they spend with a negative person? Even if they are trying to help them, how much of themself will they invest before throwing in the towel? So, if you feel like everyone around you is causing you trouble, maybe it's not their fault. Maybe it's yours for accepting it into your life and allowing it to continue.

To clarify, "getting it" doesn't mean suppressing it. Nor does it mean not caring. It means knowing enough about yourself and life to understand that a happy life stems from the same pain as a negative one. It's up to you as to how you choose to deal with disappointment, choices and consequences. Every corny and cliche quote exists for a reason---they are true.

So forgive. Forget. Break the cycles. Let go of hate. Forgiveness is not intended to give the person who hurt you peace. It's so that person can stop robbing you of yours.

Laugh more. Try to enjoy more. It's practically impossible to enjoy anything when you walk around saying that you hate it all of the time. Think happier thoughts. Focus on the positive. Yell less. Grab onto life. Show up. Stop standing in the corner and come to the table. And bring your whole self. Start loving. Start living. The only other option is to start dying. And that just isn't an option for me. And it shouldn't be for you either.

Maybe the hokey pokey is what life is all about. But, maybe the human race needs to realize not to wait until the end to put your whole self in. Start now. Go ahead---shake it all about.

That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

The List

Ah, yes. The List. We all know about The List. But who knows what to put on it? We know there are plenty of obligatory tasks. Grocery shop, scrub the toilet (Ok. I've been to a few houses where this may be optional), help with homework, etc. Then there are those items that are dependent upon the kind of person you are. Are you a tough love kind of person or a nurturer? I'm the latter. I am the mom who gets a text from the heartbroken daughter begging to be picked up from 4th period because her boyfriend broke up with her---and go get her. I drop everything for the friend that found out her husband was cheating and just moved out. I am the one that people close to me count on.

Good or bad, I don't mind too terribly to be this person. It really is who I am and I love being able to be "me". The problem is this: If you are not on my list, you don't get taken care of. The list is not hanging on the fridge. It's not even written down. It's mental.

As my kids have gotten older, it's more difficult to entice them to hang with grandma or nana. So, our date nights have dwindled. (Yes, I make them go. But when they were little, they wanted to live there! It was just easier to do a drop off and sneak out.) The kids are so involved in sports that much of our time is consumed by their activities. Even though I tried to focus on "us" and our marriage, I've known I don't do as well as I used to. Having said that, I've always taken great pride that I don't s"mother" MacGyver . I don't tell him when to change his toothbrush, how to cut his hair or what to wear. I didn't even put my foot down when he wanted a motorcycle. I never saw him as being in need of the attention that I gave others. And even though I didn't love him any less, he viewed that attention for others as love. He viewed the lack of attention as a loss of love. He is a grown man---a strong, intelligent and indepedent man---and I have enough kids. I considered him my equal.

Breaking News: Men neeeeeeeeeeeeeed to feel needed and loved. And my generation of women have transitioned from June Cleaver into this Powerhouse Superwoman. We do so much. We work in or out of the home. Some of us do both. We mow the yard. We take the cars for oil changes. We plan meals and buy the groceries. We clean the house. We know what is going on with the kids and their schedules. We know what toothpaste to buy so that the kids don't gag in the morning. I think the guys are starting to feel like we don't neeeeeeeeeeed them---just their paycheck. I didn't think of MacGyver needing me to console him, check in on him, say "I love you" (and I mean times other than before we hang up on the phone) and mean it. He needs a little back rub after a bad day at work. He needs to he cuddled up with me watching T.V. in bed. He needs to know what toothpaste to buy so that the kids don't gag in the morning. ;')

I've always had my marriage, my kids and my house on The List. Thanks to Oprah, I even gave myself prime real estate on The List. But, I don't think I actually ever put MacGyver on The List. And now I see that there is a difference between having just "us" on the list and having "us" and "him".

Simplify your list. Focus on what and who is really important. Make sure those you love KNOW they are loved. And that means not just expressing it the way you do. You have to express it in such a way that they receive it the way it was intended---not the way they interpret it. Marinate on that for a while........

I have many epiphanies. This time, I realized that all of us moms want to be appreciated for all that we do. We have taken on so much that we don't make the time for our spouse. But maybe, just maybe, it is our spouse that is sitting just outside the circle and wishing to be a part of it without being yelled at for buying the wrong toothpaste. Maybe if they felt needed and loved, they would be the spouse that you want them to be. Wouldn't that be something? The very response you are giving because you are upset with your workload is what is preventing you from having the spouse you want? Talk about counterproductive.

Just add them to the list and see what happens. You might be pleasantly surprised with the results. ;')


That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.