Let Go & Grab On

Earlier last week, I was the Secret Santa Shopper for the Angel tree at work. While I was trying to make $960 stretch over 24 kids, I started to think about my life and how 2010 had gone. This was not our best year---not by a long shot. Personally, financially, emotionally, maritally (Yes, it's a real word) and relationshipally (No, it's not a real word) things didn't go as---shall we say---smoothly as they have in years past. All I had been thinking about was how I could pull off getting my oldest a Mac laptop. These kids were asking for toothbrushes and socks. And if they splurged on anything---it was Super Hero Underwear and bubble bath. It was heart breaking. And humbling.

I started to think about how we---people in general--- spend our life waiting for things to happen or change and then bitch about the way things are until they do. Some do this more than others, but we are all guilty. We all complain about relationships and friendships and often money. We express our deepest and typically most negative emotions. We are human. We should all be allowed to express "what's on our mind". But, some people take it literally. Or they need a new mind.

Maybe one day I will find myself openly, and repetitively complaining about work, traffic, parking spots or not having enough time. Maybe I will lose my sense of peace and just start bitch slapping 30-something guys that wear shirts with dragons that are 2 sizes too small. Maybe I will complain that people just don't get it! Maybe I will spend my days festering over how another mom let their kid wear shorts to school when it's cold outside. Or be ticked off at how parents could let their kid play a video game that isn't age appropriate. Maybe one day, I will buy everyone a Christmas gift and fill their stockings and bitch about how they didn't buy me anything or fill my stocking. Maybe I'll remind the world about what my parents didn't do for me and how bitter I am. Maybe I'll start saying how much I hate Oprah. Maybe one day I will get tired of just being the peaceful, perceptive person I am and tell everyone how I really feel. Maybe.........

But, the truth is this. Complaining about traffic means you have a car. And I know enough people that don't. They walk to work. Rain or shine. Complaining about work means you have a job. And I know plenty of people without one of those. Complaining about how little time you have JUST TAKES AWAY FROM THE LITTLE TIME YOU HAVE. Manage it better. Simplify. Delete. There's enough time. Really. People have been making it for years. Complaining about the Jersey Shore look alike wearing the too small dragon shirt is just stupid to begin with. But, the irony is you are 30 something wearing jeans with holes in places there shouldn't be and a top that my teenage daughter could wear---which leaves your boobs, muffins and ass crack peaking out. Saying that "People just don't get it" is probably the most truthful thing I hear. They don't. And neither does the person saying it. You forget that you are "people" and you have to include yourself. *IF* you truly got it----you would understand people---and you wouldn't be so frustrated. And when you add kids and the cold weather, it's simple. They deal with the cold better than us adults. I remember my gramma wanting me to put on long underwear and I thought she needed to be baker acted! She was out of her mind if I was wearing anything like that! I will suffer through the cold to look cool. And I survived. And who really cares if someone else's 7 year old is playing Call of Duty? If that mom starts sneaking in your kids window and playing HALO with him, I'll punch her for you. Until then, let it gooooooooo. And buy Christmas gifts for those you want to---not obligated to. Fill the stockings because you want to. Because you feel better when you do. Not because you hope yours will be filled in return. And your parents? Enough. How long are you going to use them as your crutch in life? How much more hate can you harbor against them? Most people that I hear complain turned out pretty good---so thank your parents. Because many of the people that aren't complaining, are STILL being supported by and living with them. How'd ya like that? I didn't think you would. And Oprah! Really? You don't have to like her. But how much hate do you have to have in you that you hate her?! You have to be pretty miserable to hate her, in my opinion. Otherwise, you just wouldn't care. And there is a difference. I hope to always be a peaceful, perceptive person. The alternative doesn't seem like much of a good time to me.

Worry about the things that matter. Your spouse, your kids, your pets (Yes, that's for my peeps that love their pets like they were kids), and your family. Fix the relationships that are broken. There are exceptions, but if you were to really step back and look at it, you played a part. All of this will sound hokey, cliche and trite. But life is too short. There isn't enough time---to nurture what we traditionally abandon---people. And we abandon it so that people who don't matter can see if our floors are mopped and our toilets are scrubbed. Those that matter most and are good for us in our life don't give a rats ass if any of that is done.

So, let go and grab on. Let go of the petty crap that won't matter when you're 80 sitting in a rocking chair. Grab on to those things you will miss most and regret not doing when you get to your rocking chair. I don't have to be 80---none of us have to be 80---to know what we will regret. But, not being 80 tricks us into thinking we have plenty of time. And, since most people complain that they don't, you'd think we'd get to work on that. Then again, people just don't get it. ;')

I hope 2011 brings you---no---I hope you create peace and perspective in 2011.

Be the change you want to see in the world---starting with your world.

That's just how I see it. But maybe it's my misperception.

Taming the Tantrums

It’s natural to have tantrums; adults have them all the time. We can lose our temper when someone cuts us off in traffic or when our kids don’t listen. Maturing is all about managing our emotions more effectively, and it’s a lifetime project. Tantrums can’t be completely avoided, but we can impact how often and how long they go on by the way we respond to our children’s outbursts.

When we yell or give in, we’re relieving our own distress rather than helping our children develop self-control and will only make things worse.

What to do:

Get yourself to a calm and assertive state: The first order of business is to get yourself under control; get calm, rather than trying to get your child under control. Put the effort there. Take a walk around the house, count to 100, and take your own timeout. Call a friend. Do whatever you can do to get yourself under control, but again, try not to lose your temper. Remember, you’re just trying to be the anchor in the storm that’s calming the system down. If one person in a system can stay relatively calm, that's the best way to quiet any kind of upset or tantrum.

Your child needs to learn how to control emotions, we can’t control them: Remember, you are not responsible for the choices your child makes. Rather, you are responsible for how you choose to handle those choices. Try not to get engaged by your kids' angry outbursts. If it doesn’t capture you, it won’t capture them. Stay focused on staying calm. Do not react by yelling, worrying, hovering or giving in—all typical things that we do as parents. Remember, anxiety is contagious, and so is calm.

Do not give into your child’s request: If you give in to your child's requests when he has an outburst, it will set up a pattern where you create more tantrums. In effect, you’ve taught your child that the best way to get what he wants is to scream, yell and be out of control.

If you’re in public place, you can simply explain that your child is having a hard time, excuse yourself and move out of the situation. Leave the room, go to the car, or go home. Remember, you don’t want to give the tantrum attention, either positively or negatively.

Isolate your child: Put your younger child in his room or in some spot where he can have a timeout or cooling off period and learn how to soothe himself. Make sure you’re not continually engaging him in his tantrum. When the child is calm is when you can discuss what is upsetting them.

Teach your child: Parents are the teachers. Your children can’t handle these strong emotions yet and it’s our job to help them learn how to do that. Remember, they are testing you—and believe it or not, they truly want you to win this particular test. On the surface, your child really wants you to give in, but on another level, he wants to see that there are strong parents in the room. Kids want to know that their parents are sturdy, strong and reliable and are people who mean what they say. They don’t want parents who are going to fall apart. They need us to stay anchored and be the disciplinarian. That is what they NEED.

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